


Dance Along the Edge

by Blue M Hart (ThePreciousHeart)



Category: Grand Theft Auto IV
Genre: Abusive Parents, Alcohol, Anxiety, Brother-Sister Relationships, Canon Dialogue, Canonical Character Death, Childhood Trauma, Conversations, Crimes & Criminals, Crying, Dating, Denial of Feelings, Dysfunctional Family, F/M, Family Dynamics, Gen, Getting to Know Each Other, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Internal Conflict, Male-Female Friendship, Mid-Canon, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Child Abuse, Platonic Romance, Romantic Friendship, Self-Esteem Issues, Therapy, Trust Issues, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Wakes & Funerals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-09
Updated: 2019-08-09
Packaged: 2020-08-10 05:46:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 23,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20130322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThePreciousHeart/pseuds/Blue%20M%20Hart
Summary: The idea of going out with one of her brother's "business associates" doesn't impress Kate McReary. She has enough to worry about without adding another criminal degenerate to her list. However, after spending time with Niko Bellic, Kate begins to realize that sometimes she'd rather listen to her heart than her personal ideologies.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Whenever I say “I won’t write any more fics for this fandom,” please let it be known that I’m lying (even if I don’t know that I’m lying). 
> 
> Anyway: I haven’t played this game (because I an incompetent at video games in general), but fell in love with the story through watching playthroughs. So, all of my information comes from what was uploaded on YouTube, therefore feel free to call me out on anything I misinterpreted. When it comes to Niko & Kate’s conversations, I mixed together canon and original dialogue, cutting up and inserting lines from canon in different places for a better flow. 
> 
> Title comes from the song of the same name by Concrete Blonde.

After spending twenty-eight years in the home of one of Liberty City’s notorious crime families, Kate McReary found that her reasons to pay the frequent parade of gangsters and thugs any mind were rapidly diminishing. That said gangsters and thugs were, for the most part, her brothers’ friends had no effect. She tried not to be affected, anyway. The boys weren’t exactly known for keeping polite company, and those who were lost or cut ties with the family were easily replaced. In an attempt to stay disengaged, Kate refused to make the effort to get to know any of them.

So when she picked up her vibrating phone while cleaning the house one Sunday afternoon, and heard a strangely familiar voice on the other end, her guard immediately went up. 

“Kate, uh, it is Niko,” the voice greeted her, before she had a chance to say hello. “We met with your brother, Packie? He gave me your number.”

_ Niko? _Fleeting images of a tall, dark man standing in the doorway of her living room filled Kate’s mind. He’d been to the house a few times now, always to meet with her brothers, but aside from an introduction and general exchanges of pleasantries, Kate hadn’t spoken to him. She set down her feather duster and headed over to the couch, wondering for the life of her what Packie was doing giving her phone number away to strangers. “Hi, Niko. What’s up?”

Niko spoke haltingly, so that Kate wasn’t sure if it was the language or the mere request that was giving him trouble. “I was wondering if, uh, you wanted to come out with me sometime? Maybe we do something together?”

_Oh. _Realizing Packie’s intentions, Kate wanted to sigh. Honestly, she was surprised he’d never pulled this stunt before. She was on the verge of saying no, but something in Niko’s voice gave her pause. He might be a thug, but he’d been remarkably polite the few times they’d interacted, with a modest wit and eyes that flickered to life as she crossed the room. Maybe she’d enjoy spending time with him. What did she have to lose?

“Okay, that could be interesting,” Kate replied. “I don’t normally socialize with Packie’s gangster friends, but… sure.” She hoped Niko wouldn’t take offense with her categorization of him- _ even though it’s true- _but he didn’t remark on it.

“Okay.” Niko hesitated. “When are you free?”

Now it was Kate’s turn to hesitate. _ God, when AM I free? _Even when she wasn’t working, or seeing her therapist, or helping out at home, it seemed that stressing over her family was a full-time job. However, in the grand scheme of things, she knew that she had no serious plans of which to speak. “I’m free now. Pick me up in the next hour.” The words sat uncomfortably in her mouth. She couldn’t remember the last time a man had asked her out, much less a man whose request she’d accepted. Constant rejections tended to put an end to further attempts.

“See you then.” Niko hung up the phone, and Kate put hers away, before rising from the couch and marching straight up to Packie’s room. She found him exactly where she’d expected he would be- lounging on his bed, a beer can in one hand and a book that she knew he wasn’t reading in the other.

Kate rapped on the doorframe. “Hey, Patrick. Mind explaining why one of your, er, _ business associates _ just called me up asking to see me?”

Packie bolted upright, tossing the book aside and nodding haphazardly toward Kate. “Maybe because I just scored you a date with the suavest Slav in LC? Don’t say I never did nothing for my beautiful sister.”

Kate folded her arms over her chest. “Oh sure, because I was _ dying _to go out with a guy who murders people for money.”

Taking a swig from his beer, Packie came up laughing. “Come on, Katie. Niko ain’t a bad guy.” He smirked, a cheeky glint appearing in his eye. “Something tells me he’s gonna grow on ya.”

“What, like mold?”

“Yeeeeah!” Packie waved his hand in Kate’s direction. “Hey, it’s how he grew on _ me. _”

Kate sighed, partly out of exasperation but also out of reluctant, suppressed fondness. All things considered, she was genuinely touched that Packie had gone out of his way to speak to Niko on her behalf. Career criminal or not, his company would certainly prove a better alternative to staying cooped up inside the house. And it might keep her mother from nagging, insisting that she needed to find a good man with whom to settle down. _ Not that this is a date or anything… _Kate didn’t know Niko very well, but she couldn’t imagine wanting to involve herself romantically with someone whose life choices so clearly spelled disaster.

“Normally you’d cut a man’s throat if he looked at me the wrong way,” Kate said. “What’s different about Niko?”

“I trust Niko, all right?” Packie said. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood up, blinking dazedly at Kate. “I know he ain’t gonna do nothing to hurt you. And you need to learn how to fuckin’ enjoy yourself. You gotta go out and live it up once in a while.”

“I’m so glad you have faith in my ability to cut loose,” Kate said dryly.

Packie’s eyebrows shot up as he swaggered across the floor, heading for the bookcase which contained nothing in the way of books. Behind the spines of the only volumes on the shelf were hollowed spaces, perfect for concealing weed, speed, or Packie’s favorite- coke. 

“I got faith in little else. By the way, _ you’re welcome_.”

*

Just as Kate had requested, Niko appeared at the house within the next hour. She rose to meet him, descending the concrete steps, as he parked at the curb. A strange, nervous feeling took over her as she tugged at the passenger door. She wasn’t in the habit of getting into cars with criminals… or with any man who wasn’t related to her, really. Packie’s death threats tended to scare most of them away, and the few who persevered weren’t the kind of people with whom Kate felt comfortable associating. She’d learned her lesson back in her teen years to get to know someone very thoroughly before accepting the offer of a ride home. The same could very well apply to Niko, but since Packie had sanctioned the meeting, Kate didn’t feel she had much to worry about. Still, her stomach felt tense, though she wasn’t sure if it was from anticipation or trepidation.

The passenger door was locked. Kate couldn’t help but stifle a giggle as she watched Niko’s smooth face morph into an _ oh shit _expression. He leaned over to manually unlock the door, and she hopped inside.

“Hey you,” she said, a bit clumsily. Niko dipped his head. “Hello.” They appraised each other for a minute, and while Niko’s expression gave no hints as to his opinion, Kate found that she liked what she saw. Niko wore the same leather jacket he’d been wearing when they first met, over a dark shirt and jeans. _ Good. Nothing too fancy- this isn’t a special occasion. _Though she was sure she caught a whiff of a musky scent- cologne?- so he must have freshened up beforehand. She herself hadn’t given much thought to her appearance, besides brushing and tying back her hair. Niko didn’t smile as he gazed at her, but his eyes were so gentle that for a moment, Kate had a hard time believing he was the hardened killer who followed her brothers’ schemes without comment.

“Come on,” she said, pointedly looking away from Niko and brushing down her faded jeans. “Let’s go.”

Without a word, Niko pulled away from the curb. He stared straight ahead, letting the faint hum of the radio fill up the space between them. Part of Kate found the quiet intimidating, but at the same time she figured that he might be feeling as awkward as she did. Heavens knew a man like him didn’t have much time for recreational activities.

“This is nice, isn’t it?” she said blandly, after they’d driven a few blocks. She’d thought about asking Niko where they were going, but decided it didn’t matter. _ I’ll trust him THAT much. _

“What’s nice?” Niko said.

“I don’t know…” Kate gazed out the window. “Getting out, doing stuff, not working or fighting with my family. Getting to know you.” She was pleased, and slightly surprised, to find that she wasn’t just saying that. _ This is more of Liberty City than I ever see, at any rate. _

“It’s nice to get to know you too.” Niko sounded just as sincere as Kate felt. She hoped he wasn’t merely being polite. He chuckled faintly. “Seems like I’ve gotten pretty close to everyone else in your family.”

Kate winced, although she managed a chuckle of her own. “You poor bastard, you have.” How Niko could come into contact with her brothers and still stick around was beyond her. Unless he needed Kate to remind him what being normal felt like. Somehow, Kate doubted he understood normality much on his own.

“I don’t normally socialize with people that know my family,” Kate explained. She wasn’t entirely sure why she was telling Niko this, but she hoped it would help him understand who she was. “Try to keep those two sides of my life separate. I guess it’s nice to be honest for a change.” A sudden feeling of discomfort swept over Kate as her words exposed her. _ I’m talking too much… _To banish the discomfort, she tried to joke. 

“Rather than keeping my secrets about my family from you, you’re probably keeping secrets about my family from me?”

“No comment,” Niko said, the corner of his mouth twitching in a slight half-smile. “You don’t normally take the guys you date back to meet the family?”

The word sent shockwaves spiraling through Kate- _ date, date, date. _From head to toe, her body stiffened. No, they weren’t on a- she couldn’t think of this as-

“Date? This isn’t a date, Niko.” Thankfully Kate managed to keep her cheery tone, belying her internal conflict. _ Gotta thank Dr. Perez for that. _ “We’re just getting to know each other. We might be friends and that’s all.” She could have stopped herself there, but her tongue wouldn’t cooperate. “I couldn’t date you. Someone like my brothers? I couldn’t do that to myself.”

As soon as she’d spoken, Kate wanted to cringe. _ He’s really going to find you charming now. _But she couldn’t stand the idea of Niko misinterpreting this little outing. She’d already been down that road, with men she’d known better and trusted less than Niko. Before he made any kind of move, she had to let him know where they stood. Still, the blunt statement sent a flutter of anxiety through Kate. She glanced over, but Niko seemed as collected as ever.

“Alright, then,” he said evenly, with no trace of offense or disappointment. “This isn’t a date. We’re just two people, hanging out.”

“That’s it,” Kate agreed, though she was worried she’d soured the mood. Attempting to reassure Niko, she clarified, “But it’s nice. I’m enjoying myself.”

“Me too.” This time, Niko’s response was fervent enough that Kate knew he wasn’t just being polite.

When their destination came into view, Kate felt like laughing. _ Of course he’d take me out for drinks. _ It wasn’t an entirely inaccurate assessment of her preferences, but Kate wasn’t sure if it was safe to drink with a stranger. _ Guess there’s only one way to find out. _

“I come from a distinguished family of alcoholics,” she quipped, briskly unbuckling her seatbelt. “As you know. Let’s go.”

Niko held the pub’s door open for Kate to walk through, but he didn’t wait for her to take a seat before making himself at home at the bar. The last thing Kate remembered clearly was the sparkle in his eyes as he turned to ask her what she wanted to drink. Even when Kate replied that he shouldn’t bother asking because she was paying for herself, their light didn’t dim.

The rest of the evening passed in a hazy, happy blur of overflowing glasses, joyous laughter, and more rounds than Kate could count. Kate felt that she must have talked with Niko for hours- surely he'd had _ something _to say- but by the time Niko announced that they should probably be heading out, Kate couldn’t recall a single word shared between them. Her head was spinning as she stumbled out the door behind Niko, nearly tripping over her own feet. Even with her inhibitions lowered, she valiantly fought, and succeeded against, the urge to grab Niko’s hand.

“Shiiiit!” Kate proclaimed to the open air. “I’m drunk.” Drunk in a way she couldn’t remember being before. Not since the first time, when she’d swiped her mother’s stash of whiskey and downed half a bottle in an attempt to figure out what was so special about it. She wasn’t sure when she’d last been drunk. Maybe that summer afternoon on the front stoop with Packie, passing a bottle between them, not long before Packie moved on to harder substances. As her family situation deteriorated, Kate hadn’t found the energy to pursue such a useless pastime, or the company with whom to enjoy it. Now, she was reminded simultaneously of why she loved drinking, and why she hated it.

“Don’t worry,” Niko said, weaving his way back to the spot where he’d parked the car. Kate spotted the car's keys flashing in his hand, and felt she ought to be concerned, but his response drowned out all else. It pricked at her like an annoying needle- _ “Don’t worry.” _

_ Don’t worry? _ Kate’s breathing sped up. _ He tells ME not to worry…? _

“No, why would I worry?” she burst out. “Why would I _ fucking _worry? I’m half-crazy, out drinking with a killer, and with this family so fucked-up I don’t even want to talk about it. Why would I worry? What in God’s name have I got to worry about?!”

Niko seemed only the faintest bit surprised to hear Kate explode, which somehow wound her up even tighter. What was she _ doing, _ spilling her guts like this? What was wrong with her? Placing her well-being in the hands of a professional murderer, just because her brother had vouched for him, just because they were all so worried about lonely Katie, when none of them realized that _ they _were the ones who needed worrying over…

“Fuck!” Swearing was satisfying, but it didn’t take the edge off. All pleasure from the alcoholic buzz had fled. “I’m just a neurotic, aren’t I? Really self-indulgent, really idiotic, pathetic!” Brazenly, Kate fumbled at Niko’s arm, imploring him to look at her. “What are you gonna do now, shoot me?” She couldn’t seem to stop the accusations from flowing out. “Probably, you psycho! You’re crazy!”

In Kate’s grip, Niko’s arm became a steel rod. He pulled away from her, an annoyed grimace crossing his face. “Shut _ up_, please.”

Remorse instantly swept over Kate. _ Aw, God. No wonder no one ever goes out with me. _ If only she could keep her damn mouth shut, and not bite the head off someone who’d been nothing but nice to her all evening… Her remorse gave way to misery as a sob tore through her. “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!”

Niko didn’t look at Kate as he unlocked the car, which only upset her further. “Don’t worry about it.” It was the same phrase that had triggered Kate’s meltdown, and if she wanted to, she could have pointed that out, but she already felt bad enough. All she wanted was to sober up and put the night behind her.

The drive back to Kate’s house was silent, though somehow, it wasn’t a tense silence. The drinking, and her emotional outburst, left Kate longing to close her eyes. She rested her head against the window, staring at the blurred, unfocused lights of Liberty City. Though Niko drove too fast for Kate’s liking, he was a shockingly good driver under the influence. Better than her father, who’d once swerved into oncoming traffic while she was in the backseat, had been. And definitely better than her brothers. Many a time the sound of screeching tires had sent Kate rushing to the front door, to find that Gerald had hit the curb and mowed over a few trash cans, or Packie had rammed into a parked car.

The car’s sudden stop brought Kate out of her stupor. She opened her eyes to see her front stoop’s warm yellow lights beckoning to her. Yawning, Kate unbuckled her seatbelt and adjusted her hair. “God… Was I asleep?”

“Not for long.” Niko fiddled with his own seatbelt. “I’ll walk you to your door.”

“No thanks,” Kate said, waving him away. “I’ll be fine. I…” Looking upon Niko, she felt the need to apologize for the way the evening had ended. However, saying goodnight was a more promising prospect. _ Way to go, Kate. You’re dealing with it just like a McReary- drink and deny that anything happened. _

“Thank you for taking me out, Niko,” she said, forcing herself to meet his eyes. “It was… fun. We should do this again.”

“Some other time,” Niko agreed. “I will call you.” He swiftly unlocked the doors, and Kate opened the door and slid out. 

“See you soon.” As Kate walked up the steps, she heard the car’s engine revving behind her. She didn’t turn to watch Niko leave, but the moment he was gone, her stomach knotted. The night had passed with little incident, but what was Ma going to say if she caught Kate staggering intoxicated through the house?

Thankfully, all was silent when Kate walked in. Uncharacterstically silent. _ Too _ silent. Kate followed the sound of the ticking clock into the living room, where she found Derrick asleep on the couch, his shoes and belt still on and one arm dangling. Kate shook her head at the sight. _ At least he’s here, and not wasted in an alley with a needle in his arm. _Dizziness swept through her as she turned and unsteadily made her way to the stairs.

Packie and Gerry’s room was still as a tomb, confirming Kate’s sneaking suspicion that both men had gone out. Otherwise, she would have heard them bitching and sniping at each other the instant she walked through the door. She crossed the hall to the main bedroom and peeked through the crack between the door and its frame. It took a moment for her eyes to adjust to the darkness, but finally Kate found her mother’s slumbering form, dwarfed by her immense bed. She exhaled quietly. _ Thank goodness. _Ma was bound to grill her the next morning about where she’d run off to and who she’d been with, but Kate would be sober by then. Momentarily satisfied, Kate turned on her heel and headed off for the room she had once shared with Packie, before he’d brought home one girl too many and Kate had begged him to give her some space.

After letting her hair down and changing her clothes, Kate flopped down on her bed. She stared up at the ceiling, which had stopped spinning only a few minutes before, and tried to work out how she felt about the evening she’d spent with Niko. However, she couldn’t seem to focus, as thoughts of him mingled with thoughts of her family, of her responsibilities, of whatever the next day would bring. One by one, each thought swam like a muddled fish through her head, until she closed her eyes and sunk under the water.

*

Kate’s eyes were screwed up tight, her hands over her ears, but the infernal shouting pried its way into her brain. She couldn’t make out every muffled word, but a repeated phrase rattled through her: “I’M GOING TO KILL YOU! SWEAR TO GOD! _ I’M GOING TO KILL YOU! SWEAR TO GOD!” _Between each shout came the thud of fists upon flesh, and an agonized groan to match.

Though she didn’t want to see, Kate’s eyes opened, as if they’d done so on her own. When the terrible vision came into view, she wanted to clutch at the doll she had been playing with, or retreat further into her refuge behind the kitchen counter, but she was paralyzed. She could only watch helplessly as Gerald- big brother Gerry, who praised her to the ends of the earth- straddled her other brother Francis’ chest and slammed his face repeatedly into the linoleum. There was no grace or finesse in Francis’ strikes. He lashed about aimlessly, struggling to land a hit, anything that would knock his younger brother away. But while Gerry was smaller and skinnier, he was also scrappier, and enraged to boot. His voice was a lion’s roar, full of nothing but pure fighting instinct. Blood spilled from Francis’ mouth, and his face was splattered in it.

Try as she might, Kate couldn’t move. She couldn’t stretch out a hand to her brothers, or scream at them to stop. All she could do was weep and wallow in regret, just as she had so many times since she was eight, just as she had last night with Niko-

Kate’s eyes opened upon darkness. She gasped, her palm flying to her heart, the word _ stop _ dying on her lips. _ What was that? _ She’d been dreaming, of course- reliving her personal past. _ But why? _ A sense of foreboding crept up Kate’s skin. It had been _ years _since she’d had night terrors. She’d thought therapy had eradicated them, not to mention her own stiff upper lip. What had changed? Did it have to do with the fact that she’d been out drinking, or maybe that she’d been with Niko…?

Well, whatever the cause, Kate was wide awake now. She sat up and slid from her bed, padding to the corridor and down towards the bathroom. As she passed Packie and Gerald’s room, she heard snoring, but couldn’t be sure who was causing it. Packie spent nights at home more often than Gerry, but both snored loud enough to bring the house down.

In the bathroom, Kate ran cold water over her face and neck, before tumbling down onto the closed toilet lid and sighing. Her head was pulsing dully, and she massaged it while mulling over her dream, and the evening that she had spent with Niko. It was still hard to pull the pieces together and determine exactly how she felt about it, but her personal reflections were disquieting. She’d enjoyed the excursion at the start. But her recent nightmare filled her head. Was this a sign from the universe, telling her not to go out with Niko again? To stay away from him entirely?

  
_ No, stupid, _ she debated with herself. _ It’s just your trauma resurfacing. _Or whatever her therapist would say. Even if it was a sign, Kate had never been particularly attuned to the universe’s will. She floated along, tackling one day at a time and preparing herself only for the inevitable- her mother’s passing, her brothers getting shot or strung out or hauled in or worse, herself ending up as the last McReary standing. That was how it was bound to end, no matter her actions. She didn’t have time to worry about the universe’s opinion of Niko. All she knew was that she wanted to see him again.


	2. Chapter 2

Kate woke with a hangover on Saturday morning, unable to recall where the previous evening had gone wrong, and why she’d ended up so upset. _ You ought not to drink so much. That crap messes with your head. Just look at what it does to your brothers. _ However, she did remember her nightmare, and the conclusion she’d reached in the bathroom. Logic dictated that she shouldn’t go out with Niko again. _ Just imagine goody two-shoes Katie McReary grabbing drinks with a contract killer… _ But she _ wanted _ to, and besides, Niko deserved an apology for the way Kate had ruined the evening, preferably one that wasn’t hysterical, drunken, and rambling.

On her lunch break at work, Kate hid in a secluded corner of the break room before taking out her phone. She found Niko’s number in her recent calls and, after a moment’s hesitation, added his name to her list of contacts. _ Only so I don’t hang up on him accidentally._

“Hi, Niko?” Kate swiped at a smudge of cream cheese on her cheek, uncertain that he recognized her voice.“Um, this is Kate McReary?”

“Hello, Kate,” Niko replied. “What’s up?”

Kate exhaled. “I just wanted to say- I’m sorry if I made a drunken fool out of myself last night. It… It’s really been a while since I went out with anyone. Maybe I overdid it.”

“No worries, Kate.” Kate detected a touch of amusement in Niko’s voice. “Happens to the best of us.”

“And the worst,” Kate said, a montage of her family’s drunken antics running through her head. From the elaborate arm-wrestling-slash-drinking contest that Gerald and Packie had staged, with each round’s loser taking a sip until the bottle was empty, to her father’s harsh shouting and deadly threats, Kate had seen enough to keep an average person sober for the rest of their life. She was surprised she hadn’t sworn off the stuff yet. _ Guess it’s the Irish blood in me. _

Now that the air was clear, Kate started to fumble around for an excuse to hang up, when Niko said suddenly, “Do you still want me to take you out again?”

It was what they’d agreed on the night before, and what Kate had been contemplating for half the morning, but she hung back from accepting all the same. _ Yes, _ she wanted to say, and her heartbeat agreed- _ yes, yes, yes. _ But a small, hard edge inside of her told her to say _ no, _ though she wasn’t quite sure why. Surely Niko had better things to do with his time, like rip off people as corrupt as he was, or take women out on _ real _dates.

“You don’t have to feel obligated- I know Packie asked you to-”

“I’m not doing this for Packie,” Niko cut in. “I’m doing it for you.”

_ Oh. _ Kate narrowed her eyes. _ Of course. Not for Packie, not for himself, but for me. _Little Kate, the baby of the family, too pure for her own good and desperately in need of a social life. Why couldn’t anyone understand that caring for her mother and looking out for her brothers was a full time job? She could barely keep herself afloat, let alone support her family, let alone entertain a shady outsider whom she’d only just met. 

Still, the fact remained that of all the shady outsiders her brothers had brought over, Niko was the one with whom she was most interested in spending time.

“Well… okay,” Kate said. “It would be nice to go out again, Niko. Come by the community center in a few hours, I should be free by then.”

“Okay, Kate. See you then.” Niko hung up, leaving Kate staring at the phone in her hand, a terrifying sense of eagerness building in her gut.

After work, Kate found Niko already waiting by the curb, though it took a moment for her to recognize him because he was driving a different car. She decided not to ask where the one from yesterday had gone. Sliding into the passenger seat, she resisted the urge to check over her shoulder, though she couldn’t help but wonder what her coworkers thought of her going home with an unknown man. Most of her coworkers were committed women- committed to their job, to the community, to their husbands and boyfriends. Their conversations often revolved around them, evaluating and comparing their dating experience and venting about their partner’s most obnoxious habits. Kate was privy to it all, but she never joined in, despite her coworkers’ attempts. She was grateful that only a few of them had her number. Otherwise she was sure they’d have blown up her phone the instant they noticed she wasn’t headed for the subway.

“So,” Kate announced as Niko shifted the gear into drive, giving him no chance to offer a greeting. 

“So, what?”

“So _ you.” _

“So me what?”

Kate crossed her legs and peered over at Niko. He had picked out another flattering outfit, a flannel shirt over navy jeans, which brought out his eyes. “So are you another one?”

“Another what?”

“Another one like my brothers,” Kate said. “A tough guy with a death wish. A man eager to get into Hell as soon as possible.”

“Probably.” There was no trace of shame or regret in Niko’s voice- only resignation. He knew what he was, and what he had been, and what he would probably die being. Kate wanted to admire his straightforwardness, but she felt her heart plummet. It wasn’t fair that someone as young and fit and presumably intelligent as Niko should tread the same idiotic path in life from which Kate had long ago failed to save her brothers.

“How annoying,” she said, the words slipping out unthinkingly. “What is wrong with you people, you _ men?” _

“What’s wrong with me?” Niko sighed. “Quite a lot, I’m sure.”

_ That’s no excuse. _Frustration stirred in Kate, encouraging her to continue her crusade. “Why don’t you want to live? To live a normal life, I mean. Get married, have kids, not steal, rob, kill. It can’t be easier, than having a job, I mean.”

“I don’t know.” While not exactly galvanized, Niko sounded as if he had genuinely never put the question to himself. Pity softened the edges of Kate’s frustration. What could have led Niko to believe that this life was the only one for him?

“I have lived a complicated life,” Niko said, unintentionally answering Kate’s unspoken question. “I was in a war…”

_ A war. _Kate went still, recalling what little she knew about Eastern European history. The war of which Niko had spoken really hadn’t been so long ago. Kate remembered the times she’d come home from school to find the TV on full blast, a sure sign that her father was home and awake. While trying to do her homework, she remembered the terrible things emanating from the TV, horrors that her mind help conjure when she wasn’t looking at the screen. Village massacres, gang rapes, mass bombings… 

She’d been a child when it began, and just barely an adult when it ended. By that point, her father had died and taken the loud, sensational news broadcasts with him. Kate’s immediate troubles became far more concerning than the plight of people living across several oceans, in a place she couldn’t point to on a map. But Niko was a living reminder that the terrible things Kate had heard about were real. _ Key word “living.” _The knowledge struck Kate in the heart. He couldn’t have been any less of a child than she’d been at the beginning of the war, and somehow, he’d made it out. 

“Sounds like you still are,” she said, returning her mind to the topic at hand. Surely it was better for Niko to set aside his line of work, after seeing enough death and destruction to last a lifetime. 

“Maybe.” Again, Niko sounded resigned, unwilling to argue or explain his reasoning. Kate let it slide. The few facts he’d revealed about himself painted him in three dimensions, an image much more vivid than the one Kate had formed of him yesterday.

“What have you been up to?” she asked casually, before remembering the kind of person he was. “Actually, I don’t think I want to know. I’m sure it made you feel big and strong.”

“Not really,” Niko replied.

“Lord above, you don’t even enjoy it?” As much as Kate wanted to understand, the notion made no sense. Her brothers were a different matter, but how could a man who’d been through all the things that Niko had continue to surround himself with brutality? “Then why do it?” 

“Can you do me a favor, and stop preaching?” Niko announced. He seemed only slightly annoyed, but Kate instantly tensed, hoping she hadn’t said too much and screwed up again. “I’m fine. I am what I am, for better, or worse.”

_ For worse, surely, _Kate wanted to say. She didn’t think she’d ever comprehend Niko’s life choices, but she knew she shouldn’t keep arguing if she wanted this evening to go more smoothly than the last one. 

“Fair enough. A lifetime of trying to sort my brothers out has made me a little bit sanctimonious.” Kate nudged Niko gently, a sly grin stealing over her face. “I mean, for a murdering, thieving idiot who can’t talk about things, you’re kind of nice.”

Niko’s response was as dry as ever, but Kate thought she caught a flash of humor in his eyes. “Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it.”

Eventually, Niko stopped the car outside one of the millions of diners populating the city. A sense of childhood nostalgia filled Kate as she gazed up at its entrance. Once again, without realizing it, Niko had picked out an excellent place.

“Good choice,” she praised, once she had clambered out of the car and Niko came around to meet her. “I used to go to places like this with my family all the time. When I was a child, I mean.”

Niko stared up at the building, as if seeing it through new eyes. “I have enjoyed the ones I’ve been to in Liberty City, but I can’t say I had your childhood experience.” 

“Oh, they’re a dime a dozen around here.” Kate strolled towards the entrance, with Niko following over her shoulder. “It’s been ages since I got to eat out.”

Inside the diner, Niko took the initiative and approached the host, asking for a table close to the back, with a clear view of the door. Grabbing two menus, the host led them to a raised area in the back right corner of the room. A brightly-colored jukebox sat in the middle of the wall, and beside it were two speakers and a microphone stand, not far from where the host seated Kate and Niko. Kate assumed they were for live performances, but on a Monday night, the only music was piped in, friendly-sounding hits from the 50’s and 60’s. 

“Could we maybe switch spots?” Niko asked as Kate headed for the seat closer to the kitchen. Kate complied, settling down across from Niko. Below, she watched servers burst through the kitchen doors, their arms lined with various dishes. Pasta, soup, burgers… Theirs was a simple, mindless task that Kate had once considered doing, after leaving high school. However, she’d become a receptionist at the community center instead, on the grounds that it paid better and was slightly more fulfilling. Once she’d entered the workforce, there she’d stayed. When it came to the younger McReary siblings, college was a non-entity. 

“Why?” Kate teased, as the host poured two glasses of ice water. “Did one of the waitresses catch your eye?”

Niko shook his head, hesitantly waiting for the host to leave, before replying. “In my line of work, is best not to let your guard down. You never know who could walk through those doors, or when you might need an escape route.”

Kate’s hand tightened around her glass, melting away the condensation. “Heaven forbid we need one now!” At once she realized just how risky it was for Niko to bring her out in public. A man like Niko had surely made powerful enemies, who were willing to take him out by any means necessary. They would hurt anyone in their way- including Kate. _ And yet, he still wants to go out with me… _Kate wasn’t sure if Niko’s choice was foolhardy or admirable. 

“Like I said. You never know.” Niko picked up the menu, running his thumbs reflexively across the laminated plastic. “I hope it will not come to that. We don’t want no uninvited guests coming to ruin our night out.”

“You’ve already met me when I’m drunk. I doubt it can get worse than that,” Kate said dryly. She picked up her menu. “Lucky for you, this place doesn’t serve alcohol.”

Niko chuckled warmly. “Lucky for you, too.”

A moment of silence fell over the table as Kate and Niko began to scan their respective menus. Niko immediately grew absorbed with the choices, but after a minute of flipping through the pages, Kate’s mind wandered. Her thoughts were dragged in one direction- towards the man sitting across from her. She and Niko had so little in common, from their lifestyles to their personal viewpoints, but somehow Kate felt strangely close to Niko, connected in a way she couldn’t explain. 

Once their waitress had taken their orders, Kate turned her full attention to Niko. “Forgive me- I’m sorry if this is a weird question… What was the war like?”

“It was great,” Niko said, the darkness in his eyes contrasting his lighthearted tone. “You got to see people turn into animals, and your close friends die.”

“Sorry.” Kate felt her cheeks grow warm. “I knew it was a dumb question, it’s just… I hoped it wasn’t so awful for you.”

“No.” Niko cast his gaze downward, his voice softening to match his shadowed expression. “It was seeing your home destroyed, seeing members of your family die.” He breathed out slowly, his body still. “My aunt- my cousin Roman’s mother- she was… She was…” It was clearly a struggle to get the words out, but Niko finally did, his piercing eyes meeting Kate’s.

“She was raped and murdered. I found her. Roman does not know- he thought she died in a house fire.”

Kate’s heart thudded painfully, Niko’s sobering statement opening a chasm in her stomach. She could think of nothing to say but the ever-inadequate, “I’m so sorry.”

Niko gave a miniscule shrug. “The world is hard. What are you going to do?”

“Maybe you’re right,” Kate murmured, though she didn’t want to see it that way. _ These things shouldn’t have to happen. We shouldn’t just accept them. The world may be hard, but humans are the ones who made it that way. _

Niko lifted his glass. “This is appropriate dinner conversation.” He spoke with such a bare touch of humor that Kate almost didn’t realize he was being sarcastic.

“Sorry. I don’t mean to bring up bad memories- I was just curious.” Though _ curiosity _now felt an insufficient excuse for such a question.

“It’s fine,” Niko said. He took a sip of water before setting his glass back on the table. “The war taught me a lot of bad things, but it also taught me to enjoy life.”

“I like that,” Kate breathed. Although she couldn’t see what there was to enjoy about Niko’s criminal lifestyle, she understood how important it was to gain a new perspective. No moment was to be taken for granted. _ I wish my brothers would realize that. _

“And are you enjoying life right now?” she asked.

Niko didn’t seem prepared for the question. He folded his arms across the table. “...Yes, actually. I like spending time with you, Kate. It’s times like these that I can forget the bad things, and focus on the good in my life. Whatever that is.”

_ Exactly how I feel. _ Both Niko’s articulation of her own thoughts, and his admission of enjoying her company, left Kate internally glowing. She couldn’t remember the last time she had felt so validated. _ Ironic, considering who I’m talking to. _

“I’ll drink to that.” Kate raised her glass in a salute, before taking a great gulp as if it were a beer and she was in a hurry to get drunk. Niko didn’t say anything, but the curve of his lips and the angle of his head spoke volumes. It was almost enough to make Kate forget who he was.

*

Just like the night before, Niko drove Kate back to her house, but this time both were fully sober, and considerably chatty. Over the course of dinner, Niko had been fairly passive, mostly reacting to what Kate said, but now he held his own in conversation, opening up like a flower. He didn’t mention the war again, or what he did for a living, and Kate didn’t mention her brothers, but somehow, their conversation didn’t feel as trivial as the ones she shared with her coworkers. There was no reason to wear a facade around Niko, who had already seen the worst Kate and her family had to offer. She rarely had the opportunity to speak so frankly with someone she wasn’t paying to listen. The change was refreshing. With a sort of startled clarity, Kate realized that she and Niko were beginning to be friends. _ As my father would have said, ain’t that a kick in the head? _

“I’m glad we went out again,” Kate announced as Niko stealthily parked outside her door. “This was really nice, Niko.”

“I’m glad you called me,” Niko agreed. “We should do it again, yeah?”

Despite herself, Kate smiled. “We could make arrangements. I’m free most nights after work. I just can’t stay out too long. My mother will need me.”

“We will work it out,” Niko promised. He reached out, his arm sliding around the back of Kate’s seat, as if he were about to put the car in reverse. But the car had been silenced, the keys sitting in Niko’s lap. Kate unbuckled her seatbelt, a touch confused, as Niko watched her wordlessly. She felt afraid to meet his eyes, which searched her face expectantly. _ What is he waiting for? Is there something he wants me to do? _Her skin seething with self-consciousness, Kate hurried to open the door and step outside. 

“See you later, Niko.” Kate turned her back before Niko left the curb. However, her ears lingered on the sound of his car engine roaring to life, and the gravelly _ swish _of wheels on the pavement.

_ Weird night, _she thought as she fled halfway up the stoop. Weird… but good, for sure. Kate couldn’t figure out why Niko had been staring at her so intently, or why he’d put his arm around her seat. He’d looked as if he wanted to say something, but didn’t know quite how to say it… 

Then it hit Kate. Niko had been trying to decide if he should kiss her or not. A flurry of emotions ran rapidly through her. Embarrassment for misunderstanding the signals, anger that Niko had assumed they were on a date despite what she had told him yesterday, flattery that he’d wanted to kiss her and appreciation for his refusal to go through with it… Unless he treated every woman he met in such a way. Kate couldn’t possibly be the only one he knew. She certainly had few reasons to catch his eye.

As soon as Kate stepped through the door, she could tell that all of her brothers had gone out. Though they frequently planned their schemes and met “associates” at home, their real work was conducted outside the family, leaving the household untroubled in the evening. Kate sighed as she fled to the kitchen, trying not to conjure images of the strange men and their various business deals that the boys were handling. _ It’s too bad Niko and I were just out. He might be able to help. _Then again, it was possible that they’d gone out seeking mindless entertainment, preferably not the kind that involved any bodily harm. Though that was a slim chance.

“Is that you, Katie?” a voice called out, seconds before Kate entered the kitchen. Walking in, she recognized its owner as the one family member who could always be found at home. Her mother sat at the kitchen counter, pouring whiskey into her coffee mug.

“Ah, it _ is _you,” Ma McReary said contentedly, as Kate quickly scanned the room for signs of a mess. Finding none, she took a seat next to her mother.

“And how was your night on the town?”

Kate laughed. “Much less exciting than you’re implying, I’m afraid.”

“Good for you, Kate.” Her mother stirred her concoction with a spoon. “A quiet night out heals the soul. You deserve it.”

“I’m not sure if Packie would say the same,” Kate murmured.

Ma McReary waved her hand to dismiss the idea. “If we all listened to what Patrick said, our whole family would come toppling down.”

Kate raised her eyebrows. “I think it already has.”

Ma didn’t say a word, apparently unable to refute Kate’s point. She took a sip of her drink, while Kate got up in search of tea. Not long ago, she’d bought herself a tin of lavender tea, with the intention to reduce stress, but that was gone already. Her mother had likely finished it off. All that remained in the cabinet were a few dusty bags of Lipton. _ Whatever. Close enough. _

From behind Kate’s back, her mother spoke up. “You know, Patrick did advise you to start seeing his friend, so maybe listening to him isn’t a_ total _ waste of time.”

Kate shook her head as she moved to the cabinets nearer to the sink, noting at the same time that the sink was spotless. _ Did one of the boys actually help Ma with the dishes for once? _“If you’re saying that I should be dating Niko, you’ve got to adjust your perspective, Mother.” 

“Kate,” Ma warned. “I’m just saying…”

“_What _ are you saying?” Kate rummaged through the cabinet, eventually spying an old, chipped mug near the very back. “That you’d be happy to marry me off to a criminal?” Even the notion of _ marrying off _was absurd. It was an opportunity that Kate had ceased to imagine for herself.

Ma McReary began to chuckle softly. “Look at it this way, Kate. You can’t do any worse than _ I _ did for myself.”

Kate unwrapped the Lipton teabag and placed it in the mug. “That doesn’t mean I want to follow your footsteps.”

“I know.” Ma sobered as Kate headed for the stove. “That’s not what I want for you, either. You _ know _it isn’t. Out of all my children, you’re the only one who’s got her head on straight.” Her voice eased into familiar tones, and Kate tensed inwardly, preparing for the lecture she’d faced every day since she turned eighteen.

“You’re not like your brothers, Katie,” Ma McReary said. “You’ve got the common sense to stay uninvolved. For so long, I prayed that they would one day see the light as well.”

_ You’ve told me this before, _ Kate wanted to say. In fact, she _ had _said it, during an earlier lecture, but now she held her tongue. The kettle was still half-full from her mother’s coffee, so she put it back on the stove and turned on the burner while her Ma continued to dispense life lessons.

“It’s a dark path your brothers have chosen to tread, and I’ve come to realize that nothing will tear them away.” Her mother's voice turned warm and chiding. “Which is why I get on you about this so frequently, Kate. You have the chance to turn our reputation around. Settle down, start a family, lead a normal life. When I die, I want to know that at least one of my offspring has done well for themselves.”

“You’re not dying anytime soon, Ma,” Kate said automatically. A small black hole of fear clutched at her chest, but she managed to push it away. Pessimism and pushiness aside, her mother was the only person in Kate’s life without whom she couldn’t imagine existing. _ You’ll live, Ma, _ she remembered saying as a child, when the topic of death had first emerged. _ You’ll live for years and years… _

Ma McReary let out a huff. “I’d still like for my little Katie to be happy. It wouldn’t hurt for you to keep seeing this man of yours.”

A twinge went through Kate at the words _ man of yours. _Watching the stove, she said stiffly, “Niko is just a friend. Besides, men like him don’t tend to make me happy.”

“Cheer up,” Ma sighed. She got to her feet and came over to wrap an arm around Kate, clinging to her mug with her other hand. “Sometimes I think Patrick’s right about you.”

“What about? That I’ll be a virgin for life, or that I wouldn’t know happiness if it smacked me in the face?” Kate muttered.

Her mother only kissed Kate’s cheek. “I’m heading up to bed. Goodnight, darling.”

“G’night, Ma.” Kate slid down into the chair her mother had occupied, as said mother shuffled out of the room. Their conversation reverberated through her head. Despite what her mother believed, constantly hearing that she needed to find a man and settle down only decreased Kate’s likelihood of doing so. _ Maybe I’ll wait until she’s older and senile, so she won’t remember whether I’m married or not. _

By this point, “not” seemed to be the more realistic option. The last time Kate recalled having feelings for anyone had been during her last year of high school, with a boy who’d taken her to prom and then dumped her a week later. Since then, her job, therapist appointments, and home life had eaten up her free time and gradually degraded her interest in dating. Investing herself in a boyfriend seemed more trouble than it was worth.

That wasn’t to say that Kate hadn’t had her fair share of admirers. _ And that’s the most charitable way to describe them. _Her thoughts turned backwards, to the man she’d met when she’d first started working at the community center. His eyes were just as warm as Niko’s, and he’d flashed a charming smile when speaking to her on the other side of the counter. He was also at least fifteen years older than Kate, and he wouldn’t leave her alone. At first Kate had felt pleasantly surprised when he started showing up every day, his excuses growing increasingly flimsy. Then, when she found him waiting for her after her shift, the pleasant aspect drained away. Unless Kate walked with a coworker, the man would follow her to the subway, always trailing no more than a few feet behind. Attempting to lose him was a challenge. Kate felt nothing but relief whenever she finally did. Even if it involved getting off the subway at the wrong stop and running for the first taxi she saw as soon as she was above ground.

She never told anyone in her family about the man and how uncomfortable she felt when he was near. With her father recently deceased and her brothers at each other’s throats, it seemed to Kate that they had enough on their plates. Until one night when Gerald staggered through the door, drenched head to toe in blood. He was breathing hard and wouldn’t say anything for a good few minutes, but Kate knew with one look that the blood wasn’t his. She’d watched silently and helplessly as Packie calmed him down and helped him clean up, only rousing when they’d marched together into the living room to toss the bloodied remnants of Gerry’s clothing into the fireplace. Not a word was spoken between them, and Kate left the room feeling that she’d accidentally glimpsed a forbidden ritual. 

The next day, Kate’s stalker was nowhere in sight. He never showed up at the community center again, or anywhere on earth, as far as Kate knew. Part of Kate had wanted to thank Gerry, or at least ask him how he had known, but the rest of her was bone-dry and scared stiff. Her head had started spinning that day, and it had yet to stop. 

The kettle’s whistle snapped Kate from her memories. She rose to remove it from the burner and pour its bounty over the teabag in her mug. Then she returned to her seat at the counter, clasping the mug’s steaming warmth in her hands. Though Kate tried to dwell on a new subject, her thoughts returned to Niko, and her nonexistent love life, and her mother’s hopes. 

As much as Kate disliked her mother’s lectures, she had to admit that Ma had a point. If anyone in the family had a chance of establishing in-laws and bearing grandchildren, it had to be Kate. Gerald had tried it several times, with varying levels of failure. Derrick had thoroughly given up on his life, and Packie lacked the discipline. As for Francis, Kate doubted that he felt love for anything other than his work in the police force. She was the only one able to fulfill her mother’s dreams.

_ But I don’t want to just make her happy, _ Kate reminded herself. She took a sip of tea and winced, both from its flavor and the scorch on her tongue. _ I want to make myself happy too. _That was why she’d flat-out ignored advances from men for the past ten years. Once she’d seen Gerry bathing in her stalker’s blood, she knew that she could never be intimate with anyone, not as long as she was living under the same roof as her brothers. The casual criminal activity surrounding Kate’s day-to-day life would scare off any normal person, if they didn’t report her family to the police first. Dating someone involved in said activity was no better. Kate didn’t want to spend the rest of her life worrying that the man she loved was never going to come home, and grieving him when the inevitable came. 

  
Niko returned to Kate’s mind, the feel of his arm draped across the back of her seat, and how he’d gazed silently at her before dropping her off. For Kate’s sake, she prayed that he wouldn’t think of making a move the next time they went out. A weary sense of sorrow welled in her breast. _ Why doesn’t he try to change? _It wasn’t his fault that the war had forced him into a new shape, but people were malleable. If Niko had changed once, he could do it again. He wasn’t a lost soul, not the way Kate’s brothers were. All she had to do was keep pushing him in the right direction, until it pulled him like a magnet. Only then would Kate consider the possibility of inviting Niko into her life for good.


	3. Chapter 3

Over the following week, life proceeded at its usual pace. Kate went to work, tended to her mother, kept house, and generally stayed on the straight and narrow path she’d chosen years ago. Outings with Niko broke up the drudgery. On week nights, he came by either the house or the community center to pick Kate up. They usually went out for dinner or to play pool, but a few times they ended up getting smashed at the Steinway Beer Garden, which was quickly becoming Kate’s favorite spot. Kate always regretted those nights, which ended with her berating Niko’s lifestyle and breaking down in tears, hating herself and the things she’d said and convinced that Niko would never speak to her again. However, Niko didn't hold her opinions against her. Though he clearly disagreed with her points, and grew testy when she became upset, he kept his voice soft and his words respectful. Having grown up in a powder keg of a household, Kate found Niko’s reluctance to rise to her offenses to be unexpectedly admirable. She hoped that talking with her therapist would sort her head out and keep her from inciting arguments the next time she and Niko went drinking together. 

Niko hadn’t expressed any romantic interest in Kate since the second night they’d gone out. Perhaps he’d gotten the message, or maybe he’d had second thoughts about involving himself with a twenty-eight-year-old virgin from a dysfunctional family. Maybe Kate had imagined his interest in the first place. Either way, she was relieved. Romantic or not, this was a relationship she didn’t want to ruin. The more time she spent with Niko, the easier it became to forget both her troubles and his identity. She hadn’t felt so liberated in years. 

When Sunday came around, Kate returned from an errand to find that Gerald had swung by the house. The sight of him lifted a weight from Kate’s chest. Having not seen him at all week, she’d been ready assume the worst. Gerry grinned broadly as Kate stepped into the kitchen, hefting two overflowing shopping bags.

“Hey, Kate.” Hastily, Gerry slid over to block Kate’s path to the refrigerator. “Uh, don’t touch the fridge, it’s broken.”

“Broken?”

“I didn’t do nothing to it,” Gerry said defensively.“It was like that when I got here.”

Kate sighed. _ Great. _“Okay, so where am I supposed to put my groceries?”

Gerry shrugged, his fingers clutching the air, as he swung around to the other side of the counter. Gently, he took one of Kate’s bags from her and set it on one of the nearby chairs. “Don’t worry, I got a guy coming around who’ll take care of the problem. Someone I believe you know.” He shot a meaningful look at Kate, his eyebrows angling upwards. “Niko Bellic?”

Though she tried not to react, Kate felt her heart skip a beat. Too quickly, she rushed out the words, “Niko’s coming here?”

Gerry crowed with laughter. “Look how red your face just got! I take it the rumors are true?”

Kate’s shoulders stiffened. To keep from snapping at her brother, she set down the other grocery bag and began to rummage through it. “What rumors?”

Gerry followed suit in helping Kate unpack her groceries, but he didn’t drop the subject like Kate wished he would. “Packie told me he got Niko hooked up with your number.” A knowing edge entered his voice. “Said you haven’t been home these past few nights.”

“Speak for yourself,” Kate muttered, eager to divert Gerald’s attention. “Where have _ you _ been all week?”

When Kate didn’t receive an immediate response, she ceased her mindless task, gazing imploringly up at Gerry. The expression on his face made her stomach plummet. He looked guilty as sin. His body was on the offense, every inch of him giving off a sense of defiance, but his eyes were painfully apologetic. It was the same expression Kate had seen a million times growing up, whenever Gerry would try to convince Ma that he really hadn’t broken that vase, or stolen that cash, and it was Francis who deserved punishment. 

“Look, Katie,” Gerry said softly. “I didn’t want to let you know so soon… but I think they’re trying to put me back in the slammer.” He exhaled, tensing up. “There’s this car that’s been following me around. It’s only a matter of time before they jump me and haul me in.”

With Gerry’s words, Kate had to exhale, too. She clutched at the wrinkled grocery bag, struggling to ground herself, as her heartbeat rang in her ears. _ What did you do _spun through her head, but she quickly realized that it didn’t matter one way or the other. Gerald was a hoodlum involved in not-so-petty crime, and that was the only excuse necessary.

“You didn’t think we should know about that?!” Kate burst out.

Gerry fervently shook his head. “It’d break Ma’s heart! You know how delicate she is. Besides, you were gonna hear about it before it happened. Ain’t it better I tell ya now instead of leaving you to find out from the news?”

Mixed feelings swirled through Kate. She genuinely appreciated that Gerald had given her some amount of warning regarding his fate. But it made no difference in the end, because the news itself no longer shocked her. Throughout her life, Gerald had always appeared and disappeared, starting with a stint in juvenile hall at age thirteen, up to the charges he’d faced only a few years ago, which had been suddenly dropped when a few of his friends put together a bribe. He might stay incarcerated for only a couple weeks, or maybe he’d serve a full sentence for the first time in his life. Kate found that she didn’t care one way or another, and the realization depressed her. How had it gotten to this point, where her feelings for her brothers had eroded to the point of indifference? Was she really so heartless, or did they deserve it for the amount of trouble they’d caused the family?

“It’s got to stop sometime,” Kate said, stepping away from the counter and towards Gerry. She felt a vague urge to touch him, but held back. None of the McReary offspring were well-versed in affection. 

Gerry shook his head as he went to the cabinets, arms full of cans and cereal boxes. “Yeah, you keep saying that, but it never does, does it?”

Kate didn’t respond, studying the table instead. She should have known better. Her brothers were never going to change, and it was foolish to expect them to. Even if they tried, the connections they’d made in the criminal world wouldn’t let them escape so easily. Their fates were sealed, and still Kate sat awake at night and prayed that they would come to some sort of salvation.

“Hey, would you mind helping over here?” Gerry said as he transferred items from his hands to the cabinet‘s interior. “I didn’t come over just so I could do your chores.”

At that, Kate managed a small smile. Back in the day, Gerald had always been the one to assist her with chores, unlike Packie, who slacked off and then begged his brother to help at the last minute. _ Nice to see some things haven’t changed. _She started to approach Gerry, but the ringing of the doorbell drove all thoughts of chores from her mind. Excusing herself, Kate headed down the hall to the front door, whereupon opening it, she came face to face with Niko.

“Oh, there he is,” Kate announced, the mere sight of Niko bringing a friendly smile to her face. “The sophisticated European!”

Niko chuckled graciously. “I don’t know about that.” His eyes flickered downward in a strangely, endearingly shy manner. _ We’ve been out together nearly every night this week, and here’s Niko getting all flustered. _He reminded Kate of a young boy struggling to ask a girl to a dance. 

“So, how are you?” she asked. Niko gave a small shrug. “Alright, yeah?”

_ Yeah. _ The warmth spreading through Kate emboldened her to step across the threshold, her arms out. Niko seemed bewildered as to her intentions- _ stupid, it’s exactly what you wanted to do a week ago- _but once Kate had taken his shoulder, he leaned forward so that she could press her lips to his rough, unshaven cheek. The action felt childish and silly, but Niko’s human heat and the quiet beat of his heart washed away Kate’s awkwardness. 

“Kate!” a sudden voice rang out from behind her. “Don’t stand there talking to him on the doorstep. Ask him in!”

Laughing self-consciously, Kate broke away to gesture Niko through the door. “Come in!” She turned to see her mother making her way down the hall, a bright smile lighting her face. 

“Ma, you remember the boys’ friend, Niko?”

Her mother dipped her head to show that she remembered. “How are you?”

“Good, and you?” Niko replied. 

“Put it like this.” Charmingly, Ma McReary took Niko’s arm and began to lead him down the hall. “My boys are out of control, my daughter can’t find a man, and my husband is in Hell.” Her eyes twinkled as she let go of Niko, leaving Kate behind. “I’m thinking, God moves in mysterious ways.” With an exaggerated shudder, she headed up the stairs. Kate strode forward, her embarrassment dueling with her cynicism. _ Ma hasn’t got much to complain about. She relies on me for everything. Her troubles hardly amount to what I go through with the boys… _

“That’s Mother for you,” Kate said reproachfully. “Always a joy.” Fortunately, Niko didn’t seem uncomfortable. Kate figured it would take a lot to make a hardened killer like him cringe. He chuckled as she slipped her arm through his, and her feelings of coziness returned. For half a second, they were alone together, and all was right with the world. But business lay waiting at the end of the hall, so Kate reluctantly led Niko into the living room.

“Niko!” Gerald called out, rising from his spot on the couch. “You made it, huh?” He and Niko shook hands, while Kate decided to make herself scarce.

“Well… I’ll leave you to your men’s talk.” Kate smirked as she left the room. “I hope you impress each other.” As she walked out, she heard Gerry admonish Niko for looking away from him, and wondered if his eyes were fixated on her. Was his mind replaying Kate’s kiss on the doorstep? Had it meant anything to him at all?

_ God. _ Kate surveyed the counter, noting the milk carton and eggs that she’d left out on account of the broken refrigerator. Why did it mean anything to _ her? _No wonder she’d stayed away from romance for so long. Deciphering a person’s emotions was _ exhausting. _ She preferred to ignore the possibility, to exist with Niko in an endless stream of dinners and drinks that never went anywhere. It was better to keep their relationship in stasis than to violently shove it in a certain direction, one which could lead to misery. God _ dammit, _why had she kissed him…?

Kate picked up the eggs, prepared to thumb her nose at Gerald’s warnings. But before her fingers reached the handle, a jolting, fleeting thought stopped her in her tracks. _ “I got a guy coming around who’ll take care of the problem,” _Gerry had said.

Why would Gerry call _ Niko _of all people over to repair a fridge? 

Was there something _ in _ the fridge that he didn’t want Kate to see… 

Carefully, she set the eggs down, deciding not to whet her curiosity. Whatever was going on, it was best to let a professional handle it.

*

Kate didn’t see Niko again for another few days. For that matter, she didn’t see much of her brothers, either. Most likely, they were working together, and the less Kate knew about that, the better. A few times she considered shooting Niko a text, just to be sure that he hadn’t suddenly decided to call off whatever their arrangement was, but she didn’t want to disturb him. _ He must have his reasons. _

The call that Kate had been telling herself she wasn’t waiting for came towards the end of the week. A sense of calm assuaged her with the sound of Niko’s voice. “Hello, Kate. How’s things?”

“Same as ever,” Kate sighed. “Just trying to survive in this madhouse. What about you, my mysterious friend?”

Niko chuckled. “I too am trying to survive. How about we go and forget our troubles for a while?”

Visions of the Steinway Beer Garden filled Kate’s head, until she could practically feel the cool, sour drinks sliding down her throat, and its numbing warmth taking hold of her. The prospect was too tempting to say no. “Sure thing, Niko. You can come by my house in an hour- I’ll be waiting.”

After hanging up the phone, Kate went to use the bathroom. She stared at herself in the mirror above the sink, combing her fingers through her fine red hair and confining stray wisps with an elastic band. A ridiculous notion came to her that she should try on makeup. Her mother had bought some for her in high school, rosy pink lipstick and some earthy eyeshadow, but Kate had lost the lipstick and used up the eyeshadow years ago. The concept of beautifying herself just to run out to the laundromat or the grocery store had never made much sense. She didn’t care about her appearance to that extent. But would Niko care about it? Kate was on the verge of seeking out her mother for advice, before questioning why she was even considering it. Niko had never commented on her appearance, either positively or negatively, during any of the times that they’d gone out. Shaking off her idiotic whims, Kate washed her hands and left the bathroom.

As Kate strolled downstairs and into the living room, she was greeted with the unexpected appearance of Packie on the couch. He held a pistol in one hand and a bullet in the other, steadying himself to load the gun. One look at Kate, though, and the task was forgotten.

“Packie, I’m going out in about an hour,” Kate announced. “Are you going to be around? Just to make sure Ma doesn’t need anything.”

A playful look of disgust filled Packie’s face. “Jesus, Katie, I know having your first boyfriend is exciting, but you gotta leave some time for yourself.”

“Niko is _ not _ my boyfriend,” Kate shot back, bristling in an instant. “Anyway, I thought you _ wanted _ me to get out more.” Her voice turned teasing, lest Packie remark on her defensiveness. “Are you jealous that Niko’s spending all his time with me and not you?”

“Hey, this has nothing to do with me,” Packie protested. He set his gun down and began to count up his leftover bullets. “Just wanted to make sure he’s treating you okay.”

Kate came to sit next to Packie on the couch, fixing him with a fearsome side eye. In her younger years, she’d always relied on it to win arguments with her family, and it had never let her down. “You work with the guy, and you still don’t know if he's trustworthy? I knew you were unobservant, but this is unbelievable.”

“Trusting a guy not to hold a gun to my head, and trusting him not to screw my sister are two entirely different things,” Packie retorted.

“Right,” Kate sighed. “Because the world’s out to get me. Well, Patrick, I must say I’m touched that you feel so strongly about this. You make it downright impossible for me to find dates, but at least you care.”

“Don’t forget I’s the one who gave your number to Niko in the first place,” Packie muttered absently. “What’s it matter to you, anyway? The day you break your vow of chastity is the day I’m lying in my grave.”

“Great,” Kate said brightly. “Looks like I’ve got a date in about a month.” _ Even that might be generous. _ She nudged Packie and rose from her seat before he could fire his mouth off again, picturing him scowling behind her back. Then the thought occurred to her that he might be proudly grinning, which halted her fake cheeriness in a flash. _ Ugh. _

By the time Niko arrived at the McReary household, Kate was itching to grab a drink. Date or not, she was ready to make the most of the night. A smile that matched Niko’s own graced her face as she came down the front stoop to meet him. 

“Off we go,” Kate commented as Niko pulled away from the curb. “To our favorite beer garden, away!”

An uncomfortable expression crossed Niko’s face. “I don’t want to take you to get drunk.”

Kate’s brow furrowed, a sneaking suspicion creeping up. _ Is this it? _Was this Niko calling it quits? _ Fuck. _She must have said something the last time they went out, while she was smashed out of her skull… Never mind her frantic apologies, never mind that she wouldn’t take it back if she were sober. There had to be a limit to Niko’s patience, and she had reached it.

“Why?” she blurted sharply, trying to stifle the voice of the conclusion to which she had leapt. “Because I’m no fun when I’m drunk?”

Niko’s voice was restrained as he rolled to a stop at a red light. His eyes scanned the pedestrians bundled in their autumnal finery before his windshield, and his hands fondled the steering wheel in a firm, yet comfortable-looking grip. “No, because you scare me when you’re drunk.”

It took Kate a moment to work through her confusion. Of all the things she’d hoped Niko wouldn’t say, _ this _ was unexpected. _ I scare you? Shouldn’t it be the other way around? _Loudly she scoffed, to cover up her befuddlement.

“I bet you meet with all kinds of people when you’re working.” Kate spread her hands out. “Hitmen, drug lords, the Mafia… But you’re afraid of little ol’ me?”

“It’s not like that,” Niko said. “You freak out when you’re drunk. I worry about you.”

The light turned green, and Niko hit the gas while Kate sat quietly, absorbing his words. She had no idea what to do with that information, so she said nothing in response. Out the window, the city passed by in its muted tones of gray, with an occasional flash of neon to brighten the mood. The sight transfixed Kate, who’d been raised not to turn down a trip on the subway and thus never took much notice of her route aboveground. However, she hung back from drinking in the sight, fully aware that she still had company.

“Maybe you’re right, I should drink less,” Kate murmured. “My father was an alcoholic, you know. The drink did horrible things to him.” Generally, her memory stayed blocked on what those horrible things were, unless she was baring her soul in a therapy session. Nonetheless, brief images leaked through the cracks. Her mother’s shriek splitting the air, her brothers hurriedly ushering her into a separate room so she wouldn’t catch a glimpse of the body on the floor, gun in hand and blood soaking into the carpet… Kate hadn’t seen it herself, but over the years, her mind had filled in the details to the point where seeing it would have paled in comparison.

“My father was a drunk as well,” Niko stated, as nonchalantly as if he were discussing the weather. “He also did horrible things. I do not know if he beat us because he drank, or if he drank because he was ashamed he beat us.”

Kate’s heart grew heavy with sympathy. “Sounds like a vicious cycle.”

Niko shrugged, a funny _ so what _frown on his face. “You get used to it. I always knew he was a bastard, but I thought, is just the way he is. That is when I knew that change is impossible, after living the way he did for so long.”

Kate digested that for a second, before asking, “Who’s _ us?” _

“What?”

Hesitant to bring up sensitive details, but thirsting for more information, Kate clarified, “Who else did your dad… I mean, who else in your family…”

“I had a brother,” Niko said hurriedly, a hard, stone-cold glint appearing in his eyes. He spoke with such finality that Kate didn’t dare ask what had happened to him. However he’d met his end, she could tell from one look at Niko’s face that it hadn’t been pleasant. She hoped Niko’s brother had at least escaped from his family unscathed.

“My dad never lifted a finger against me,” she said, in an uncomfortable attempt to steer the conversation down a slightly less grim road. _ God, how did we end up like this? Two fucked-up people sitting around comparing our fucked-up childhoods. _ “I think he might have been afraid to- I’m sure Gerry and Francis would have killed him.” Funny how divided they’d become, with both men frequently absent from the family. Kate knew without a doubt that Gerald would still leap to her aid were she to ask, but when it came to Francis, she could only think of how he’d berated her over the holidays, the last time the whole family was forced to see each other. _ “Come on, Kate,” _ he’d sneered. _ “If you’re so much better than them, why are you still protecting them? You think you’re such a saint, but I know better. You’re a pushover. You let bigger and stronger people walk all over you just because they’re family…” _

“What about Packie?” Niko said, jolting Kate from her remembrance. “He would kill _ me_, I bet. The apple don’t fall far.”

Kate didn’t stop to think that Niko misunderstood the saying he had used, or that he was just joking. Violently, she shook her head, Niko’s harmless words clawing beneath her skin. “No, Packie might be a lout, but… he’s better than Pa was.” She glanced out the window, a cold feeling growing in her gut. “I may have loved him, but I don’t pretend that he was a saint. Hell, I'm surprised the boys didn't piss on his grave after he passed." 

When Niko didn’t respond, an odd sense of familiarity struck Kate. “I’ve told you this before, haven’t?”

“I don’t know,” Niko said. “You’ve told me many things about your family.”

Kate cringed. “I’m sorry.” No matter what they talked about, Kate’s heavy thoughts constantly permeated the atmosphere, forcing the same subjects to emerge time and again. “I try not to talk so much about them, but it’s hard. They’re always on my mind.”

“That’s good,” Niko said supportively. “It means you care about them.”

The assumption afflicted Kate with an unusual guilty feeling. _ Do I though? _Crossing her arms, she stared out the windshield. _ Do I care about anyone? _Surely she wouldn’t worry so much if not, but sometimes her thoughts were so callous that they scared her. She didn’t relish seeing Gerald behind bars, or Derrick ravaged by drugs, or Francis coming under fire for his shady practices, or Packie staggering home with blood pouring from his open wounds. But throughout her life, she’d never tried to prevent these things from happening. If she truly cared, wouldn’t she at least put in the effort? 

Maybe Francis was right. _ Maybe I am just a whiny pushover. _ Or maybe she was a frigid bitch, like she’d heard co-workers claim behind her back. At her most cynical, Kate didn’t think it was far from the truth. No wonder she had never fallen in love. She didn’t know _ how. _To protect herself, she’d frozen her heart, but was at a loss on how to thaw it out.

Stealing a glance at Niko beside her, Kate began to wonder if he differed from her in that regard. Did Niko care about anyone? He probably cared about his cousin, of whom he always spoke with an even mixture of affection and irritation. He apparently cared enough about her brothers to keep working with them. And he must care about Kate, or else he wouldn’t take her out night after night. How _ much _he cared was best left un-pondered. While Niko’s reluctance to change his ways vexed Kate, she appreciated that his life experiences hadn’t made him entirely unfeeling.

When Niko finally parked at their destination, bewilderment crept through Kate. “I thought you said we weren’t going for drinks?”

“We’ll try something different.” Niko unbuckled his seatbelt. “They have dancing here.”

A startled laugh snuck from Kate’s mouth. “Jesus, I haven’t danced with anyone since senior prom.” It wasn’t an activity of which she had imagined Niko would be fond, either.

“Roman goes to clubs often,” Niko commented. “He says is true American experience.”

“Well then,” Kate said, unbuckling her own seatbelt. “Get ready for a brand new slice of culture, Mr. Niko.”

The bar’s interior was a little too loud for Kate’s liking, but for once, the crowd within felt comforting. At least she wasn’t alone to make a fool of herself. Respecting Niko’s wishes, she ignored the collection of liquor on the wall, and Niko respected hers in turn, refusing to touch her. He wasn’t much of a dancer, and neither was she, but it wasn’t long before Kate was smiling and laughing happily. Sweat formed on her forehead as she bobbed up and down. Across the floor, Niko’s uncharacteristic joy mirrored hers. 

  
_ This, _Kate decided, was what it meant to be alive. Not answering phone calls and organizing events from behind a desk, not piddling about the house with a vacuum cleaner and not arguing with the men in her life who really should know better. Just spending quality time with a friend, dancing as if they were the only two people in the room. How unfortunate that it wouldn’t last forever.


	4. Chapter 4

“How long have you been seeing this friend of your brothers?”

“I’m not _ seeing _him. It’s not like that.”

“All right,” Dr. Perez said placidly, betraying no affront at having been corrected. She did that often, Kate reflected. Her demeanor was so opaque that Kate had long ago abandoned any intention of uncovering her true opinions. “How long have you been meeting with him?”

“A month?” Rapidly, Kate counted backwards in her head. Yes, a month sounded about right. The answer perturbed her. A month had passed, and aside from the introduction of Niko, her life continued the way it always had. Niko just happened to fit into her routine, like a bookmark sliding between two pages. By now she’d expected him to grow tired of her. She wasn’t sure what to think of the apparent fact that he hadn’t.

“Has this… friendship been troubling you for long?” Dr. Perez asked. “Or is this a recent development?”

Kate felt like chuckling dryly. _ That’s right. “Friendship” is the only relationship for me. _Spreading her hands, she responded aloud. “It comes and goes, I think. Lately it hasn’t bothered me very much. It’s just that we haven’t discussed this before, and I need to get some things off my chest.” She folded one leg over the other and stared up at the ceiling, counting the small indentations above her head for the thousandth time. For years she’d been coming to this office, and still had no idea what had been thrown at the ceiling to mark it in such a way.

“This friend… He and Patrick met doing some job together. Dealing or stealing, I don’t know.” When it came to her therapy sessions, Kate was grateful for consistently insisting her brothers leave the details of their work murky. While Dr. Perez was aware that the McReary boys were involved in shady business, nothing Kate had ever told her was explicit enough to force a breach of doctor-patient confidentiality. _ Bet the boys would call me a snitch if it did. _Talking about Niko, however, toed the line, which was why Kate had waited so long to bring him up.

She continued. “Patrick was the one who gave him my number. Said he wanted me to get out more, go enjoy myself.” Though Dr. Perez’s face remained as stoic as ever, Kate was sure that she’d offer no complaints. She was always pushing Kate to have a more active social life, even when Kate explained that such a thing was impossible. “And… I guess it worked. I did enjoy myself- I _ do _ enjoy myself. But…” Kate sighed. “I don’t know. I feel like I _ shouldn’t _enjoy it as much as I do. He’s no better than my brothers! I’ve spent my life wishing I could get away from their madness, and- and here I am running straight to it?”

Dr. Perez nodded, calmly absorbing Kate’s words. She scrawled a note in her notepad without breaking eye contact, a move which always unsettled Kate.

“Do you feel unsafe when you’re with him?”

Though not unreasonable, the question brought Kate up short. She ran her fingers through her hair, shaking her head. “No… I don’t worry for myself. I worry for_ him_.” Bitterness soured her tongue. Stubborn Niko, talking about wanting to change without putting in the effort… “I’m worried he’s going to get himself killed with the kind of work he’s doing.”

“Remember, you’re not responsible for the actions of others,” Dr. Perez instantly said, steering Kate down a familiar path. “It’s your friend’s choice to live the way he does. As long as he isn’t hurting you, or putting your mental health at risk, you are under no obligation to control his life.”

Kate stared down at her hands, willing the advice to sink in. Instead, she found herself wishing to take Dr. Perez’s words and bash her over the head with them. “But if I don’t say anything, who will?”

“You have to let him make his own choices,” said Dr. Perez. “He’s a grown man.”

The statement rankled Kate more than she felt it should. She didn’t want to argue on Niko’s behalf, given that he’d probably agree with Dr. Perez, but it was the same line she’d been hearing about her brothers for years, a free pass to let them get away with their dangerous behavior.

“Are you saying that he’s a lost cause?” she said sharply.

“I’m not saying anything.” Dr. Perez made another note, increasing Kate’s annoyance. “He’s not the one in my office today. I’m here to help you, Kate, not to pass judgment on those close to you.”

_ Sometimes I wish you would, _Kate wanted to retort. Though she knew if she said anything, she’d just be asking for validation. They’d been through this before, with Dr. Perez reminding her that her viewpoint was strictly impartial, and sometimes she might say something with which Kate intensely disagreed. That seemed to be happening more often than not.

“I guess… I just don’t want to see him end up like Gerald.” Slowly Kate exhaled through her nose, returning her gaze to the ceiling. True to his intuition, Gerald had been arrested the night before, hauled in on charges that Kate didn’t doubt were true. The only comforting aspect was that he’d had the decency to stay away from the house, so that the police hadn’t been forced to nab him under his mother’s roof. Kate also supposed it was good that Francis hadn’t been at the scene. Upon hearing the news, Ma had put on a brave face, expressing her disappointment with a singular shake of her head, but Kate knew that the arrest was weighing on her. Nowadays, it seemed that the McRearys couldn’t stay together long before some unfortunate occurrence ripped them apart. _ First Derrick moving overseas, then Francis ditching us for his career, and now this… _

Dr. Perez’s brown eyes surveyed Kate’s face. “It sounds as if you care very much for your friend’s well-being.”

Kate sighed. “I…” She was tempted to spill her deepest thoughts, to confess her conflicted feelings for Niko. Two polarities within her were pulling in separate directions, one down a tantalizing road ending in heartbreak, and one full of frustration and boredom. But she wavered, afraid that Dr. Perez would latch onto the glamorous idea without fully understanding all the options.

“I believe he’s a better man than he thinks he is,” she said quietly. “And I’ll do anything I can to make him see that.”

Dr. Perez said nothing, raising her watch to her eyes. She read the numbers without a trace of emotion, before settling her gaze back onto Kate.

“That’s all the time we have for today.” She rose from her chair. “Would you like to pay now, or have me bill you later?” 

A few minutes later, Kate walked out of her therapist’s office, eighty dollars lighter and ready to walk home. She’d taken the subway on the way over, but therapy often left her with an empty, needy feeling that drove her to the streets. Walking cleared her mind and allowed her to reflect on all that she had gone over with Dr. Perez. 

It was hard to say whether therapy still worked for Kate, or at least whether it worked as intended. Initially she’d begun sessions with Dr. Perez to deal with her anxiety and night terrors, which she’d discovered were trauma-based. _ Of course, I didn’t need a shrink to tell me that. _She’d picked up several mental tools to aid against the overwhelming stress, tools of disengagement, prioritization, and self-validation. However, nowadays the sessions felt cyclical, with Dr. Perez regurgitating advice, Kate explaining why that hadn’t worked in the past and wouldn’t work now, Dr. Perez reminding her that her attitude was self-defeating, Kate admitting that it was but she hadn’t figured out what to do about it, Dr. Perez offering more advice, and on and on. And when she wasn’t arguing with her therapist, she was complaining about her shitty life and exaggerating problems that she could probably fix herself if she had the time. Continuing with the sessions didn’t seem worth it, but they were a constant in Kate’s life, one she was reluctant to give up due to her past.

A gray, overcast sky shielded the city, reminding Kate that a cold snap was set to occur any day now. The wind carried a snatch of conversation from the pedestrians walking a few feet in front of her, something about a cheating girlfriend and a misplaced cell phone. Slipping her hand into her pocket, Kate pulled out her mp3 player, which she used on the subway as a failsafe against creeps who stood overly close to her. She put in her earbuds and selected a Debussy piece, which blanketed her in a wash of playful piano.

The moment Kate entered her house, she knew something was wrong. It wasn’t late enough for dinner, but the hall lights were off, as if her mother had gone to bed. As she padded down the hall, the wretched sound of sobbing drifted to her ears. Her pulse quickened. _ Mama! _In a flash Kate’s footsteps quickened as well, carrying her into the sitting room.

Ma McReary sat huddled on the couch, bowed over as if balancing the weight of the world on her back. Her shoulders shook as she wept, a few broken fragments escaping her mouth- _ “Why him?” _Beside her sat Packie, his arm around her, with Derrick towering over the both of them. He looked up as Kate came in, his dark, gruff eyes locking onto hers.

“Someone popped Francis,” he said quietly. “Took him out.”

The world around Kate collapsed with a sickening _ whoosh. _She stood flexing her fingers, at a total loss for words and action. At long last, the day she’d been simultaneously expecting and dreading had arrived. She’d lost a brother- ironically the only one she’d pegged for a shot at a long and happy life. Though she wasn’t surprised. Francis may have been on the side of the law, but his sense of morality had no correlation. After brushing elbows with crooks for so long, he'd become one himself. And now he was no longer. 

For a long time Kate stood, unsure of how to react, until Packie snapped his head up to glare at her. “Don’t just stand there, Kate. Go put the kettle on or something.”

_ Yes. _ Kate left the room, grateful for the task that Packie had assigned her. This was something she could handle. Her mother’s grief, on the other hand, was not. Eventually she’d have to take control as the reliable one, bringing the family together in a moment of crisis, but right now, Kate needed to process the impact. 

Locating the kettle, Kate searched the kitchen for the last of the coffee grounds, or the remaining Lipton packet that she hadn’t restocked. Meanwhile, her mind lay out a spread of the coming days, the grotesque fantasies she’d envisioned all too often. There’d be a funeral, of course. It would probably fall to her to make the arrangements, with Derrick so strung out and Packie apathetic. She and her brothers would attend it for her mother’s sake, the way they had back when Pa went and offed himself. Out of the five of them- _ no, _ Kate quickly corrected herself, _ four now- _Ma was the only one in the family about whom Kate felt she had to worry. Derrick and Packie would retreat to their vices in a day’s time, and once the prison notified Gerry, he’d probably dance a jig. Her mother, however, would need the support, and look to Kate to provide it. After a month, perhaps, the grief would pass, and then-

_ God, what is wrong with me?! _Kate slammed the kettle down on the stove, before sinking into the nearest chair. Most people didn’t take a death in the family as well as she was taking Francis’. Most people didn’t examine their emotions so clinically. _ Most people don’t have a family like mine… _ But that was no excuse. Desperately Kate tried to feel something, _ anything, _ about Francis’ death. All she came up with was an unending plateau of indifference. _ He’s dead. You’ll never see him again. So what? _Her eyes remained dry, her heart unburdened by aching.

Essentially, Kate was more likely to grieve the fact that she was unable to grieve. She couldn’t decide if she was appalled, or if she felt her stance was justified. Francis had been fairly nasty to her in recent years. Upon graduating from the police academy, he hadn’t given his family a single backwards glance. He’d mocked others from his hill of righteousness, but in the end, he’d been as crooked as the rest of the boys. Though Kate felt she shouldn’t use Francis’ worst behavior to inform her entire opinion, her positive memories of him were fewer and farther between. Simply put, she knew exactly what he had been. He'd never tried to be anything else.

_ What a fucked-up world we live in. _ Kate got up from her seat, rubbing her temples. _ Let’s see Dr. Perez try to analyze this one. _

*

It was only after Kate had helped calm her mother down, convinced her brothers to stay the night under the same roof, washed the dishes, and changed into her pajamas that she finally took out her phone and called Niko’s number. She half-hoped he wouldn’t answer, but she needed to talk to someone, and she couldn’t think of anyone besides Niko who would understand.

“Hi Niko.”

“Hey, Kate,” Niko sounded wide awake, far from the picture of repose that Kate was poised to become in a few minutes. “I am sorry to hear about your brother.”

Kate didn’t question where he had heard. Packie might have called him earlier, or maybe it had been on the news somewhere. She closed her eyes, weariness swamping her. “You’re probably the only one. He was too much of a cop for my family to accept him, and too much of a gangster to be accepted by the cops.”

“What did you think about him?” Niko asked. 

_ Gangster or cop? Good guy or bad guy? _There had been more to Francis than Kate could put into words. Her opinion of him was tangled up in the kind of memories that had led her to pursue therapy, and from her observation of his adult behavior. Boxing him in proved impossible, especially from a biased source.

“To be honest, I thought this would have happened earlier,” Kate said. _ Either that, or old age would get him. One extreme or the other. _ “Then again, I expect to get a call from the coroner about any one of my brothers every day. You going to be at the funeral?” 

The instant Kate asked, her words took her aback. It made no sense for Niko to attend the funeral. As far as she knew, he’d never met Francis, and probably wouldn’t have liked him to begin with, given their opposing viewpoints. All the same… he_ was _ a friend of the family. Stranger things had happened. 

“Sure,” Niko said, in such a casual manner that Kate assumed he had already been invited. _ Definitely must have talked with Packie. _“I’ll see you there, Kate. Goodbye.” 

“Goodbye,” Kate whispered into her silent phone. She set it on her nightstand and crawled into bed, pulling the duvet up to her chin. But sleep refused to pay her a visit, her thoughts chasing each other in circles. _ Was it right for me to do that? _ Niko’s presence at the funeral would surely provide herself and Packie with much-needed moral support. But the more Kate thought about it, the more distasteful it seemed. _ A criminal at a cop’s funeral? _Then again, since when had she cared about what Francis would think? _ He’d not around to complain anymore… _

Kate tried to tell herself that she’d worry about it later, but as she lay immobile in bed, her vicious thoughts ensnared her. Finally, after a sleepless hour had passed, Kate got up and headed for the bathroom. Behind the sliding mirror, she found a bottle of her mother’s prescription sleeping pills. She hadn’t resorted to stealing them in years, but it was preferable to drinking herself to sleep, which was unfortunately the more tempting option. She downed a couple and then slunk back off to bed, impatiently waiting for them to take effect. But even in her dreams, stress plagued her.

*

Niko didn’t show up on time to the funeral. That was a small comfort, one Kate was willing to accept. She’d almost forgotten he would be attending, having spent the whole week wrapped up in planning. Find a suitable funeral home, a suitable cemetery plot, a suitable church for the service, a suitable black ensemble to wear… Everything had to be just right, in accordance to what Francis would have wanted. _ Well, _ Kate amended, _ I doubt he’d have wanted a cold-blooded gun-for-hire to attend. _Though it seemed no worse than a petty thief and a smack addict. Kate supposed they got a free pass because they were family. 

The church service was well underway when Kate heard the scuff of shoes against the polished marble floor. She longed to turn around in her seat, but with her mother weeping on her shoulder, it was difficult to carefully extricate herself. Over the drone of the pastor’s eulogy, Kate heard the wooden pew behind her creak with the newcomer’s weight. At last she dared to steal a backwards glance, to find Niko staring back. He gave a small nod of acknowledgement, his inscrutable eyes clouded. He didn’t look sorry or sympathetic, just… resigned. Almost as resigned as Kate felt.

The rest of the service passed in a blur. Kate scarcely heard a word the pastor said, until the mourners around her began to rise. Catching the words “procession to the cemetery,” she rose too, her mother leaning on her. They slowly made their way to the church’s entrance, whereupon Ma McReary broke away to speak to the pastor and accept the condolences of those flocking around her. Left alone, Kate stared dismally at the dull, gray street without really seeing it. She closed her eyes and sent a silent prayer heavenwards. As a child, she’d never really understood how to pray, and grew less dependent on it as she progressed through life. She wasn’t even sure if she shared her mother’s unwavering faith. However, if eternity truly awaited Francis’ soul- be it in splendor or torment- Kate hoped that he would find his way. 

Vaguely Kate became aware of a presence behind her, but she didn’t realize who it was until the strongly-accented voice murmured, “I’m, uh, sorry for your loss.”

“I’m not,” Kate sighed, glancing away from Niko to gesture towards her mother. “I’m sorry for Ma. I gave up on my brothers a long time ago. The most I ever expected from them was to put flowers on their coffins.” Admitting her apathy aloud lowered her already bleak mood. However, Niko didn’t seem unsettled, for which Kate was grateful. Though she disdained his faults, she couldn’t help but appreciate his constant lack of judgment. _ How could he judge? He comes from the same world that the boys do. _

“You have a strange family,” Niko said contemplatively. 

If the action hadn’t been entirely inappropriate, Kate would have laughed. “Who doesn’t?”

She was never able to hear Niko’s response. The squeal of tires overlapped it, followed by a heart-stopping sound that she knew only too well. _ Gunshots! _A car came screaming down the street that had seemed so dull before, its occupants firing out every window.

_ Ma-!! _Quickly Kate lunged for her mother, grabbing her arm. Derrick must have had the same thought, because he was at her side in an instant. Together they dragged her back into the church, the pastor following close behind. “Oh my God, get the hell out of the way-!” Hearing him take the Lord’s name in vain in a church would have been amusing under different circumstances, but at the present, it was no joking matter. Frantically Kate scanned the church’s interior, each panicked face matching her own. There was Ma, trembling under the protection of Derrick’s arm. There was Derrick… _ where was Packie?! _

As Kate spun around, a familiar, foolhardy voice rang out. “Niko! Will you help me protect my family?” Kate’s wild eyes spotted Packie poised at the church’s entrance, pistol already drawn and aimed at the fleet of cars that seemed to have materialized from thin air. And Niko, instead of running back into the church for cover, or to comfort those inside, was right there with him. He raced to Packie’s side, drawing his own concealed pistol in the process. Kate’s eyes fastened onto its sheen in the tepid sunlight, and the expert movements of Niko’s hands as he readied to use it. Then both he and Packie took off, moving in opposite directions and firing round after round at the funeral’s unwelcome guests.

Though Kate knew she should stand back, for her own protection and peace of mind, she couldn’t stop staring as her brother and her friend mowed down their enemies. They worked in perfect synchronicity, as if they’d spent years practicing for this moment. The few times Kate caught a glimpse of Niko’s face, his expression chilled her to the bone. She had never seen him display such rage- albeit in a restrained fashion. He wore an expression of bloodlust, but each blast of the gun was methodical and practiced. Only his hoarse shouts indicated the seething fury within.

“MOTHERFUCKERS!”

“YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!”

“DON’T FUCK WITH ME!”

All the while, Kate stood and watched. Helpless, powerless... useless. A single thought encompassed her mind- _ This is what the war turned Niko into. _She’d never doubted his combat experience for a second, but now she was finally able to put an image to his harrowing stories. And said image was overwhelming.

Kate’s knees trembled, and she nearly sunk to the floor. She couldn’t protect him. She had no hopes of protecting him. It was Gerry slamming Francis into the kitchen floor, all over again. 

*

“What kind of depraved individuals would attack a church?” Ma McReary cried the instant a lull in the gunfight allowed her, Kate, and Derrick to hustle into the nearest car. “At a _ funeral _no less!”

“The fuck did Gerry get us into?” Derrick growled from the backseat. “It’s gotta be him or Packie who’s to blame for this. Seems convenient that he’s sitting in a locked cell right now while _ we’re _out here being-”

“Stop!” Kate ordered, starting the engine and hurriedly stepping on the gas. “Stop talking, _ please! _I need to concentrate!”

Dutifully, Derrick and Ma held their tongues, but the silence did nothing for Kate’s focus. Her hands at the wheel were steady, and her face betrayed no emotion, but her head churned like waves on the open sea. The last she’d seen of Niko and Packie, they’d been running for the hearse, taking advantage of the momentary calm. If any reinforcements showed up, the hearse would draw their fire. Kate couldn’t stop envisioning bullet holes puncturing its metallic side.

In her heart, she knew she really shouldn’t be as shocked as she was. Niko had warned her the second time they went out that he was on constant alert, always looking for an escape route lest the unthinkable happen. The problem was, by definition, Kate had never _ thought _ about it. She knew in an abstract way that Niko was involved with crime, that he killed without remorse, that his soul was indelibly stained with blood. But to see him in action was another story.

Kate remained on mental lockdown until the cemetery came into view up ahead. She parked with a tranquility that concealed her inner turmoil and waited for her family to get out of the car. It wasn’t a long trek to the plot that she’d helped her mother choose, but Kate felt that she’d faint if she took another step. However, the sight of Ma’s drawn, heartbroken face encouraged Kate to muster up the dregs of her strength. She offered her arm, and her mother accepted. 

The rest of the mourners whom the shooting hadn’t managed to shake off began to arrive. They all looked as rattled as Kate felt. Ma insisted they wait for Packie and Niko to arrive with the coffin, but Derrick convinced them to gather around the plot instead. Slowly, the group trickled into the cemetery. Sunlight danced across withering blades of grass, its very presence mocking the black-clad procession.

It wasn’t much longer before Niko and Packie showed up, Packie claiming they needed some help moving the casket. Together, the congregation became pallbearers, carrying Francis to his final resting place. A sense of guilt stole over Kate as she watched her mother sprinkle the first handfuls of dirt over the casket. She should be mourning her brother right now, not fretting over the church shootout. But try as she might, she couldn’t conjure any emotion towards Francis’ memory. In Kate’s mind’s eye, all she could see was Niko racing through the street with his gun cocked, covering Packie’s back.

At the end of the service, Kate couldn’t decide if talking to Niko would be a good idea. Before the shooting, she’d looked forward to seeing him, but now she was beset with inner conflict. Niko made up her mind for her when he approached her. Even though a voice whispered in Kate’s ear, telling her to turn away, she stayed right where she was, hoping her face didn’t show all that was best to leave unsaid. 

“Thanks, Niko,” Kate murmured, once Niko was within earshot. 

“What for?”

_ For turning into a raging psycho, putting bullets through everyone’s brains, landing my family in even deeper trouble… _No. Kate took a deep breath.“Guys like you don’t like cops. Being here, helping us out… I appreciate it.”

“It’s not that I don’t like cops,” Niko said. “You do what you do to get by. Cops are just regular guys trying to survive. Anyway, I’m not here for Francis. I’m here for you and Packie.”

The gesture of friendship did little to warm Kate’s heart. She wished she could look away from Niko, or fold her arms over her chest, but she didn’t want to brush him off. “Like I said, thanks.” She couldn’t manage to inject the proper interest into her voice. “Give me a call sometime, Niko.” _ Sure, a call will put everything to rights. A call will erase what you just saw an hour ago. A call will make Niko behave and keep him safe. _

“I will.” Niko shuffled forward, his arms rising a fraction, but he stopped himself before he got too close. Maybe he had noticed the emotions that Kate was trying so hard to hide. He turned tail, trudging off to areas unknown. A fleeting urge to offer him a ride came over Kate. It wasn’t like he could drive the hearse back. But instead, she watched his back retreat in the distance, until a shout from Packie drove her attention elsewhere. “Kate! Hey, get over here, we need ya!”

Thankfully, Packie had chosen to drive the family back home. Kate didn’t think she could handle a car right now. She slid into the backseat next to Derrick, who didn’t look at her, his eyes fixed to the window. Once Ma had gotten into the car, she laid her hand on Packie’s before he could put the keys in the ignition.

“Are you okay?” she asked, with such trepidation that Kate’s stomach churned. After all that had happened, it wasn’t fair for her mother to have to worry about Packie, too. _ He shouldn’t have run off like that… _

“I’m fine, Ma,” Packie replied absently. “Not a scratch on me.” Wresting his hand from her grip, he turned to survey the backseat. Kate refused to meet his eyes, forcing herself to take in the outdoor scenery instead. She wasn’t sure with whom she was angrier- the men who’d shot up her brother’s funeral; Packie, for bringing a gun to church as if he’d been _ expecting _it; Niko, for helping him; or herself, for feeling angry in the first place. Regardless, she clung to the emotion to sustain her. Anger was better than the terror building up inside, drowning her as she reflected on Niko’s part in the shootout… 

“You better not have been the one to piss off those gangsters,” Derrick commented as Packie started the car. For once, he sounded like a regular, protective big brother, if big brothers were usually involved in organized crime. “You’ve got a lot of nerve starting shit before our brother’s funeral.”

“Hey, that was Gerry’s thing,” Packie retorted as he swung out of the parking space, more than a little too fast. “Some deal with the Albanians. He got Niko in on it. I didn’t even know it was happening, much less that they were gonna attack at a _ funeral _for God’s sake. If you’re so upset about it, why don’t you head on down to Alderney State and take it up with the big man?” 

A sickening jolt went through Kate. _ Niko. Niko was in on it. _ It wasn’t so much the fact that unsettled her, but now Niko was illuminated differently. What a _ fool _ she’d been, to go dancing, get dinner, and have drinks with someone who was so clearly on the road to destruction. She’d completely forgotten her principles. _ I should have known better! _Niko was never going to change, not for her, and certainly not for himself. She’d let herself care for him, without a single thought of how that would hurt her, of how _ he _could hurt her… 

“Kate?” Derrick’s face suddenly filled Kate’s field of vision, tight with concern. Kate tried to move back, but for the second time that day, she found herself frozen. Derrick’s forehead creased further, and he turned away to nudge the driver’s seat. “Packie! I think something’s wrong with-”

“Kate?!” Packie finished, his voice sharp. Kate saw a brief flash of his eyes in the mirror over the dashboard, before he cursed and pressed down harder on the gas pedal. “Aw, God… Kate, just breathe, a’right? We’ll be home soon.”

“What’s happening?” Derrick said obliviously. Kate wished she could tell him, but her brain refused to work. She leaned forward, her body rigid, dying to speak but unable to catch her breath or catch up to her mile-a-minute thoughts.

“She’s having a fucking panic attack, what’s it look like?” The car accelerated further, and somewhere in Kate’s clamped-up mind, the thought came to her- _ No thanks to you. _Packie waved his hand as he weaved across lanes. “Not that you’d know anything about that, seeing as you haven’t been there for her, or any of us for that matter…”

“Watch the road!” Ma McReary snapped stiffly. “And settle down, the lot of you!”

Obediently, Packie and Derrick shut their mouths, Derrick clumsily patting Kate’s shoulder. It was only then that Kate heard the sound of shallow, rapid breathing filling the car. _ Is that me? _She pressed her fingers into her temples and closed her eyes, willing her breath to return to normal. Though her heart rate eventually slowed, it wasn’t until the car stopped outside her family’s home that Kate’s jaw finally relaxed and the knot in her chest loosened.

“I’m fine,” she squeaked in a wavering voice, before anyone could fuss over her. “I’m sorry.” Her family had no business making a scene, when they’d just come back from a goddamn funeral. Then again, she’d had no business freaking out like that when she was supposed to exhibit fortitude. But she wouldn’t have freaked out if it wasn’t for Niko, who’d had no business killing thugs outside a sacred space, and no business helping Gerald in the first place…

  
Kate got out of the car and wearily headed inside, dodging a pointed question from her mother and a troubled frown from Derrick. Right now, _ her _only business was to get inside, tend to her mother, ensure that neither Packie nor Derrick would flee from her sight, and then rest, preferably without a single thought of Niko Bellic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [The piece that Kate was listening to after her therapist's appointment](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hifk5F5uJM)
> 
> Also, as far as rates go for therapy sessions, I figure $80 is a bit low for a therapy practice in an NYC analogue, but I'm letting realism go for the story's sake at that point.


	5. Chapter 5

Even though Kate had half-heartedly entreated Niko to call her after the funeral, she didn’t hear from him until a week later. Granted, this was for the best. Kate would have been lying if she claimed not to have thought of Niko at all, but she preferred not to do so, as her heart throbbed and her head spun whenever she did. 

It was astonishing, really, how quickly her life went back to normal following the funeral. When Kate returned to work, only a small number of her coworkers had heard of her family’s recent tragedy. Kate dismissed those who offered their condolences, and soon the conversational topics shifted once again to men and their habits, plans for the upcoming holidays and celebrity gossip. They couldn’t care any more than Kate did about Francis, and Kate was glad to let the matter rest.

The day after burying Francis, Kate considered calling Dr. Perez to schedule an emergency appointment. She hadn’t spiraled out of control the way she had in the car since starting therapy, and feared she was regressing. However, she refrained from making the call, as merely imagining that too-friendly office with the indents in the ceiling maddened her. Instead, she pushed through her issues as she always had, shutting all thoughts of the funeral from her mind, until her phone’s screen lit up on Friday night with a very familiar name.

“Hi, Kate,” Niko said the instant Kate put her phone to her ear. “How are you holding up?”

“Like reinforced concrete,” Kate said automatically. “Weathering the storm.” 

“That’s good.” There was a touch of uneasiness in Niko’s voice, as if he didn’t fully believe his own words. Kate wondered what reaction he’d expected. He knew that she wouldn’t be distraught over Francis, nor would she be chipper. They’d seen too much of each other to hide their feelings. _ So why am I shying away from him? _

Closing her eyes, Kate crossed her fingers and prayed that Niko hadn’t called to ask the question she knew she couldn’t resist. His next statement dashed her hopes. “Uh… if it is not too much trouble, would you like to go out with me? Maybe tonight? I-” He broke off, his sentence cut short, though Kate unwillingly filled in the blanks. _ Please, God, don't tell me he was going to say he missed me. _

“I…” Kate sighed noisily through her nose, sliding her fingers through her hair. Seeing Niko was bound to open wounds that were just scabbing over. She couldn’t imagine the night going well. But a week had passed- she ought to have recovered from what had happened at the funeral. She made a snap decision. _ If this is the last night we see each other, so be it. _

“Sure, it would be nice to see you, Niko.” _ That’s one word for it, anyway. _“Lord knows I could use a break.” Kate paused slightly, unsure if she should lay her idea on Niko, before plunging ahead with, “As long as I pick the place. We better end up completely hammered, or there’s no point going out at all.”

At first Kate thought Niko might disagree, or ask her what she meant by _ hammered, _but he acquiesced with his usual stoicism. “Okay then. I will see you in an hour.”

“Okay,” Kate said tightly. She put her phone away and immediately dragged herself out to the front stoop. _ Fuck preparations. Fuck “looking good.” _Niko wouldn’t care, and neither did Kate. The sun was setting, painting a dim splash of color over Liberty City, and Kate focused on the sight, begging it to soothe her soul. But the more she stared, the more her nerves frayed away. 

When Niko pulled up at the house- in less than an hour, Kate noted- the sight of his new car filled Kate with an indescribable irritation. _ Why can’t he stick with just one? _She hurried down the steps, starting to realize that this might not be a good idea. She was too incendiary, ready to flare up should Niko make one wrong move. And yet… she didn’t care what happened. Alcohol would help extinguish the flame.

Kate felt Niko’s eyes on her as she climbed into the car, which bothered her more than she wanted it to. She greeted him while staring straight ahead. Though Niko immediately seemed to pick up on her mood, he took that as an invitation to engage her in conversation, though Kate wanted to clamp her jaw and not say a word.

“Are you okay, Kate?”

“Yes, good,” Kate sighed, before deciding that Dr. Perez’s advice to stay positive was complete bunk. “No. No, terrible. I’m not good at this optimism thing. I’m tired.”

“Sorry,” Niko murmured. His decided underreaction emboldened Kate to elaborate. Didn’t he care about _ anything…? _

“I’m tired of this life, tired of this city… Tired of everything. Tired of myself, tired of _ you. _” Kate looked over at Niko, to find him watching the rearview mirror. He appeared distracted, but his response was sincere. “We don’t have to be friends anymore, if it upsets you.”

Kate wanted to laugh, but the sound got stuck in her throat. _ Because it’s just that easy, right? _

“Oh, shut up,” she snapped. “I don’t mean that. I like you, I really like you. You know I do.” She was startled to admit the words she’d never dared think, let alone speak. But what did it matter? The fact that she liked Niko meant nothing in the long run. _ I like a lot of people. Doesn’t mean I approve. _ It didn’t mean they would listen to her warnings and do what was best instead of plunging headfirst into danger. All it meant was that Kate would be there to weep over their bodies when their way of life finally caught up to them. The thought depressed Kate more than anything. She could never let herself _ like _ Niko, regardless of her true feelings… 

“I like _ you _,” Niko said, sounding puzzled as to what Kate was on about. The simplicity of his statement caused Kate to clench her fists, digging her nails into her palms. An outburst was coming on, over which she had no control, and Niko was set to be caught in the crossfire.

“No you don’t!” she exploded. “You don’t like _ anything. _ You tolerate me, like you tolerate life. But you don’t _ like _ me.” Kate felt a bomb lodged in her throat, one that might obliterate her friendship with Niko if she released it, but she couldn’t stop herself. “If you liked me, you’d give this up. Give up this life for me, I mean.”

The demand surprised Kate herself. She felt as if she’d been torn in two. On the one hand, who was she to ask Niko to abandon his lifestyle for good? Just like Kate, Niko liked a lot of people. Why should her opinion matter more than the others? But on the other hand, Kate was through trying to pretend that Niko meant less to her than he really did. It couldn’t have escaped Niko’s notice that she was always free when he called her. Despite her misgivings, he always kept her coming back. 

And it went both ways. No one else showed up at Kate’s door night after night, cancelling plans in favor of seeing her. No one else had attended her brother’s funeral just to be there for her. Through every display of unwarranted kindness, Niko proved that he cared about Kate, at times when most would have given up on her. But Kate couldn’t stop picturing his bloodlust outside the church, gunning down Albanians one by one. Niko’s actions dictated that he cared… but he knew how Kate felt about his violent ways, and he still refused to end it. 

Or was she being selfish? Kate’s head whirled, her thoughts refusing to make sense. She found herself desperately scanning the scenery for signs of a bar nearby.

“I don’t think men can change,” Niko said, his voice breaking into Kate’s thoughts. Kate flinched at his resolve. _ Yeah, I’ve heard that a million times. _She felt that she should drop it, especially when she didn’t have the excuse of being intoxicated, but once she’d started, she couldn’t stop. “So you could do this until you’ve killed everyone? Or until you die? Your life must be hell!”

Niko sighed loudly. “You have a very American way of looking at things.” Though his voice was as calm as ever, Kate saw his hands clench against the steering wheel. She felt like apologizing, or admitting _ point taken, _ but the response aggravated her frustration. No more _ “I was in a war.” _ No more _ “men can’t change.” _ No more “_The world is hard, what are you going to do? _ ” There was _ always _ something to do, even if Niko didn’t see it. 

“Give it up!” Kate shouted. “Move away! Grow up! Get out! You could be happy! It’s over, this life of yours. You could change!” Her voice softened. “At least think about it.”

“Sure!” Now Niko’s voice held a foreign emotion. It took Kate a moment, flipping through her memories of the church shootout, before she identified it as anger. “I’ll think about it.” 

“Thank you.” Though Kate had won the argument- at least, she thought she had- she didn’t feel triumphant at all. She slouched in her seat, counting down the minutes before the car slowed and the Steinway Beer Garden was in view.

Upon entering the bar, Kate didn’t retain a single aspect of its interior. She made a beeline straight for the counter, not caring whether Niko was following her or not. After ordering, she nearly got into a scuffle with Niko over who was paying, relenting only when she figured that it was one last thing to worry about. She quietly fumed as the bartender served her first drink, all too aware of Niko sitting beside her. _ Come on, alcohol, work your magic. _ Though Kate wasn’t sure if said magic involved blocking out her emotions, or allowing her to experience them full force. It was always a gamble. _ As long as it makes me feel better. _

The night proceeded in much the same way as Kate’s first outing with Niko had. She lost herself to the alcohol, unaware of her surroundings and only vaguely acknowledging Niko’s presence. However, as the empty glasses piled up, Kate’s despondency grew. The wire on which she’d been teetering between level-headedness and hysteria began to bend sharply in an undesirable direction. All that she’d been repressing came bubbling to the surface, to the point where she couldn’t believe she hadn’t walked away from Niko. He was the source of her constant confusion, yet she couldn’t leave him alone. 

The next thing Kate knew, she was swaying along the sidewalk, following Niko to the spot where he’d parked his car. In her drunken state, she realized that Niko could do anything to her. _ Slit my throat. Tie me up and throw me in the Humboldt River. Go on! Treat me like you treat the millions of gangsters you’ve cheated! _ But no, Niko wouldn’t do that, because Niko _ liked _ her. Niko was a _ gentleman. _Niko…

“I’m drunk,” Kate moaned as she got into the car. Niko slid the key into the ignition. “Isn’t that fun?” He didn’t sound so sober himself, which fit right in with Kate’s mood. _ Go ahead, crash your car! See if I care! _

“Yeeeess, great fun,” Kate cried. “Reminds me of being at a funeral.” Except there hadn’t even been alcohol at Francis’ funeral, not unless Packie had stayed up drinking later that night. _ Some fucking Irish wake that turned out to be. _

“Then why drink?” Niko asked, merging unsteadily into traffic. 

_ As if he doesn’t already know. _Kate groped for the right words. “I don’t know…” Because her father kept sending her brothers out to pick up beer whenever he ran dry. Because her mother occasionally sipped from a flask to “steady her nerves.” Because her brothers had started coming home plastered to the walls, and after being exposed to it her whole childhood, it would have been strange had Kate _not_ started drinking… 

“Because my whole family does, and they’re such a bunch of winners!” The words escaped Kate’s mouth like water from a broken dam. “My mother, she’s great! They haven’t invented a tranquilizer strong enough, but if she combines them with whiskey, she can get to sleep!” Every night, stirring whiskey into her coffee and opening her latest supply of sleeping pills, insisting whenever Kate asked her that she was able to regulate the dosage, “don’t worry about me…” Ma McReary, killing herself from the inside out. 

“My dad- he did awful things to my brothers.” Kate’s voice was rising in both pitch and volume, but she was past the point of caring. “I loved him, but I knew, I fucking knew!” 

Of course, she’d always known about the beatings. That had been no secret. Every McReary boy had taken more than his fair share. Kate had even seen her father smack Francis across the mouth for a derisive comment, long after Francis was well on his way to independence and putting to right the family legacy. But something different lurked beneath the surface of the beatings, something worse. Something that had made Packie terrified to sleep or shower alone. Something that urged him to create gruesome drawings. Something that made Gerry aggressively vigilant whenever he and Packie were in the same room as their father. 

“And my brothers- look at them!” In an instant, Kate was choking back sobs. “_Look _ at them!” Good ol’ Derrick, who’d been held up as an example to them all, before he’d disgraced himself in Ireland and ended up shivering on his own in Middle Park, the heroin in his veins the only remaining light in his life. Clever Francis, who in becoming a policeman had fallen down the same path of corruption he’d claimed to have escaped, until a wrong move put him in the ground. Brave Gerald, who’d always been patient and caring with Kate and had explained to her things that most adults wouldn’t… falling in with the wrong crowd time and time again until he received a sentence from which he’d never return. And Packie… Packie, who’d always been so fiercely protective of Kate, who one day was going to pick a fight that he could never win and die a meaningless death all for a nonexistent scrap of honor. 

All four brothers had withered under the iron fist of Pa McReary. Kate couldn’t say she’d understood it back then, but she had known. She had always known, and yet… She had done nothing, because doing _ anything _ would be going against the grain. It would mean displeasing her father, and if he did _ that _to her brothers, Kate didn’t want to know what he could do to her. It would mean a world of pain, and Kate wasn’t ready to hurt. And so her brothers had suffered, growing up to become hardened deathseekers, and now Derrick was a junkie and Francis was dead and Gerry was in jail and Packie was following him down the same road, all because Kate hadn’t been able to make her father stop hurting them, or make them stop hurting each other… 

“I can’t take it anymore,” Kate choked out, her words barely comprehensible. She slumped forward, covering her eyes with her hand, as a fresh round of sobs racked her body. By now, she was used to being a tearful drunk, but this time was different. This time, Kate wasn’t sure if she could recover. The guilt washed in breakers around her, mingling with the insecurity and self-hatred that she’d been hiding from the world for so long. She’d wanted to believe that she was making progress, that therapy healed the wounds that time could not, but here she was, a child of eight watching her brothers hit each other, every single second of her life.

For a long time, Kate sensed nothing other than her wrenching sorrow and the tears streaking down her face, but then she perceived that the vehicle was slowing. “Hey,” she heard Niko murmur, in a voice that was both disturbed and urgent. His hand pressed against her shoulder, and having no strength to shake it off, Kate allowed it to stay there. _ “Hey…” _

Kate wanted to look up and find out what Niko wanted, but she felt so wretched that she remained in a disheveled heap, palm over her eyes. She had no desire to accept Niko, or to turn him away. His presence filled her with indifference. The car came to a gradual stop, whereupon Kate dimly heard the sound of a seatbelt unbuckling.

“Kate…” The rustle of fabric against leather reached Kate’s ears as Niko shifted his weight. She felt rather than saw him loom closer, and was seized with a sudden fear. _ Please don’t let him touch my shoulder again. I can’t take it… _She doubled up under another wave of sobs. Niko was here now with her, secure in a car on the side of the road, but he would leave her in the end, and she could do nothing to prevent that…

Niko didn’t touch Kate’s shoulder. Instead, he wrapped his arms around her. It was an awkward embrace, Niko leaning across the seats and Kate hindered by her seatbelt, but it surprised Kate so much that her sobbing ceased. She was acutely aware of Niko’s gentle touch, of his rough fingers settling into the space where her neck met her spine. She trembled as he breathed a few words in her ear, and trivial though they were, the tenderness with which they were spoken floored Kate. _ “Hey. _Don’t cry. Okay? I'm here.”

It was in that moment that Kate knew Niko was in love with her. He must have been for quite some time. She wanted to curse herself. _ I was too deluded… too blind... too deeply in denial to see that… _

And as for herself?

She didn’t want to admit it. Niko was yet another rough thug on the fast track to an early grave, the same as her brothers. He was one more person to worry about, to feel protective over, to grieve when he was eventually taken from her, either left to rot in jail or murdered in some back alley during a job gone wrong.

But as Niko held her, tightly and soundlessly and unselfishly, Kate felt the great wall that she’d built to defend herself slowly begin to crumble. She wanted to let Niko in. She wanted to accept him as part of her life, and for him to accept her as part of his. She wanted to always feel the way she felt now- comforted, protected, loved.

Was this what it felt like to _ love _ someone? To want to be with them despite knowing that she’d lose them at any moment? Kate had no idea. It wasn’t as if she had much practice with this sort of thing. All she knew was that she’d never felt quite like this before- warm and content, yet terrified to the bone.

They sat there for only a couple of minutes, until Kate stopped shaking and Niko withdrew, but to Kate, it may well have been an eternity. She lifted her head to find that she recognized the street they’d parked on. They were only a few blocks from her house. Hesitantly, she looked over at Niko, unsure of what to say now that she’d shared an intimate part of herself.

As it turned out, she didn’t need to say anything. Niko spoke first. “Are you going to be okay?” There was a softness in his voice, the likes of which Kate had never heard. Privately she marveled at how much _ better _ she felt, now that the barriers had eroded. Granted, she still felt like shit, but at least she didn’t want to stab herself and Niko at the same time. To her, Niko had ceased to be a criminal. He was just another man, a man with feelings, feelings which Kate was almost positive she reciprocated. Almost. _ Almost. _

“I feel better,” Kate confessed, scrubbing at her eyes. The mirror wasn’t angled her way, but she was sure that they’d turned red. _ Great. They’ll know I was crying as soon as they see me. _She was about to ask Niko to start the car again, but he stopped her, rummaging through his jacket’s pockets. In no time, he unearthed a small package of tissues and handed them to Kate. Gratefully, Kate took them, wiping her eyes and blowing her nose before waving her hand to signal that it was time to leave. 

“Thank you,” she said quietly as the car pulled away. 

“No problem,” Niko insisted. “Don’t mention it.”

“No.” Kate stared at the mirror above the dashboard, meeting Niko’s eyes through his reflection. “Thank you for listening to me, Niko. Thank you for taking me out, for thinking of me, and for always being there.” Her voice wavered as she spoke, but she held on, determined to let Niko know exactly how she felt. “You might not be a good man.” Gently, Kate reached over and clutched Niko’s leather-clad arm. “But you’re a good friend, Niko Bellic.”

Unlike the first time Kate had touched him, Niko didn’t shake her off. He gave her a sidelong glance, and in his eyes, Kate saw nothing but light. He didn’t seem offended that she hadn’t claimed he was a good man. _ Well, he knows he isn’t. _

“You’re a good friend too, Kate,” Niko said. “One of my best in Liberty City.”

Somehow, Kate knew that couldn’t be true, but she wasn’t going to argue. They sat in comfortable silence, until Niko parked outside the McReary abode. Kate started when the car stopped, unable to believe she was home already.

Her thoughts moved rapidly down a dangerously fantastical path. She could invite Niko in, and they’d stay up all night talking by the roaring fireplace. His presence might cheer her mother. Even Packie wouldn’t be able to complain once he saw that his best friend Niko was the one keeping Kate up so late. Maybe inside, they could discuss their feelings in depth, and come to an agreement that worked for both of them.

But not tonight. Kate concluded reluctantly that she’d drunk too much to risk opening her heart again, even though the effects were starting to wear off. She didn’t want to make any promises that she might not remember come morning. And Niko needed to get home.

“Are you going in, or staying out?” Niko murmured.

“In.” Before she could talk herself out of it, Kate reached over to lightly squeeze Niko’s hand, just once. She smiled broadly into Niko’s startled eyes. “Thank you for everything, Niko. I’ll see you around.” With that, she removed herself from the car and staggered blindly up the front steps. She didn’t hear Niko’s car start until she had shut the door behind her.

Kate trailed down the hallway, following the one source of light ahead. In her half-drunken state, it was a long trek. Her head was throbbing, partly from the alcohol and partly from crying so hard. She tried to stifle a yawn with her hand, but it was no use. Weariness had seeped into her very soul.

At the end of the hallway, Kate walked into the brightly-lit kitchen. With her first step, she jolted. She wasn’t alone. Packie sat beside the counter, a line of cocaine laid out before him like an offering. He’d dropped his straw the instant Kate had come in, and now stared at her with wide saucer eyes.

“Whoah, Katie! What are you doing back so l-” Packie’s greeting bit the dust as he caught sight of Kate’s swollen, tear-stained face. In seconds, his friendliness transitioned to rage. Kate nervously stepped back as Packie leapt up, hands already forming fists. “Did he hurt you?!”

To see Packie on the defensive, always playing for Kate’s team, was more than Kate’s fragile heart could handle. She broke again, her shoulders trembling as tears started in her eyes. She and Packie had only been born a year apart. Why was it that one of them should turn to a path of destruction, while the other never had to experience it? What had Packie done to deserve the abuse thrown at him throughout his life, and what had Kate done to miss out on it?

“I’m sorry…” Kate brokenly gasped. Exhaustion dragged her down. _ Seems like my whole life is about being sorry, in one way or another_. Frankly, she was sick of it.

“Hey, hey, hey.” Packie came forward, placing his hands on Kate’s shoulders as if they belonged there. “Look at me. If you don’t want to see Niko anymore, that’s fine. You’re not disappointing me or nothing-”

“No, no,” Kate cut in, a touch amused despite herself. Somehow, Packie still thought that her friendship with Niko was all on his behalf. How could she explain that she hadn’t shed a tear for Niko tonight, that she wept instead for what had become of Packie? Remembering how Niko had held her in the car, she decided that actions spoke louder than words. She threw herself at Packie, hugging him tightly.

“I’m sorry for _ you, _ Packie…” Through her subsiding sobs, Kate managed to get it out. “I love you…”

If there was a verbal response, Kate didn’t hear it, but when Packie’s arms snaked around her body, the gesture told her all she needed to know. Despite her tearfulness, Kate was astounded. She didn’t think she and Packie had hugged each other since they were kids. After a moment she pulled away to meet Packie’s eyes, half perplexed and half pissed.

“You gonna tell me what happened?” he said.

“Nothing happened.” Kate wiped her eyes, letting out her breath in a long, shaky exhale. “I just…” She gave a tiny, self-conscious smile. “I don’t say it enough.”

Packie stared at Kate for a while as if he had no idea what to say, before finally nodding vaguely. “Love you too, Kate. I mean… you’re a fuckin’ weirdo, but I still love you.” He moved back to the counter, where he’d abandoned his drugs. For once Kate didn’t make a crack about the substances dusting the surface. Her heart felt oddly light. _ Finally, after the week I’ve had, some levity. _She nodded back, turning to the door.

“Goodnight.”

Upstairs, Kate sat at the edge of her bed as she undressed, mentally rewinding the events of the night and trying to process them. To her bewilderment- but not to her surprise, because somehow she’d always known- she couldn’t stop thinking that she was more similar to Niko than she’d realized. Both she and Niko were beholden to past sufferings, which served as personal stumbling blocks. Niko had been taught to kill for his country, which he now extended to killing for profit, solely because he knew no other way of life. And Kate had learned to stay silent, turn a blind eye, and not interfere when her loved ones were in danger, in hopes of avoiding the same fate. Both of them had tried to defy the roles their authority figures had placed on them, but both had failed. Their experiences had molded them permanently, and no amount of therapy or revenge was going to change that.

_ Fine. Call me a hypocrite. _ Kate shook out her hair, her blouse fluttering to the bedroom floor. She’d never claimed to _ not _ be one. It had taken longer to realize her flaws, because Niko’s way of coping was so diametrically opposed to her morality. _ Hit too close to home. _

But there was still hope for the both of them. Kate believed with all her heart that Niko had it in him to change. And if he could change… well, maybe she could, too. She’d become a better person, for her own sake. It was only a question of whether she wanted to.

Kate slid her jeans off and pulled her nightgown over her head. She flopped onto her back and closed her eyes, taking in the familiar noise of traffic from outside her window. She had no idea what tomorrow would bring. Likely, it would be more of the same. Her mother would not-so-delicately hint about finding a male companion, her brothers would seek out new enemies to rip off and new ways to destroy their bodies, and Niko might call her up when he was done conducting business that Kate would rather not know about. All was to be expected, as it had been for years. There was no way to redirect the current of time. But the most effective changes often began gradually- and at last, Kate was ready to do her part.


End file.
